“No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”
— Dr. Maya Angelou
Dear Fellow Warrior,
This is a post I intended to share in National Suicide Prevention Month (September) and every month this year, starting from the fall of last year, but I held onto it perhaps because I felt the message must be perfect.
Even now, it will be far from perfect. But I do need this post to reach you, before my 9th year actively participating in suicide prevention efforts tomorrow.
Suicide prevention efforts for me will always continue. In recent years I have reflected on what could be the best strategy for my involvement. In the past year, there have been some reflections, realizations, and epiphanies about my mental health awareness campaigns, promulgation, and advocacy. Some inconvenient truths have hit me hard regarding the stigmas and the uphill battles we must continue to endure to dismantle the social taboos and structures making it harder to fight suicide.
Since the Washington DC, Suicide Prevention Walk, in October 2022, last year, I wrote several posts pending on Suicide, including this one. It was sitting in my “draft posts” at that time, and I was not able to send it off because of how dismayed I felt after that walk for all the efforts I shared on social media, and receiving crickets from my followers.
Suddenly, on December 14th, we heard the sad news of the death of another beloved and talented human being, Stephen Laurel Boss, also known as, “Twitch.” Stephen “Twitch” Boss, only 40 years old, died by suicide.
Beyond his many friends and family who adored and loved him, millions of fans around the world were in mourning and shock at his sudden demise, especially the fans of Ellen and So You Think You Can Dance. I have been a huge fan of his since the SYTYCD days, always excited to see him on the Ellen show. Not just because he was a great talent, but because it was obvious in his videos, and on the show, what a great human being he was, and people were truly lucky to have him in his life.
This isn’t the first time that we lost such beautiful souls to a terrible disease, and way too soon. Twitch was a grand talent with a genuine golden heart. This hit me hard not only as a huge fan of Twitch, but that we lost him to Suicide, and around my age.
As a survivor myself, continuing to fight this disease, I was reminded how I predicted I would not live past 40 myself, as I share here in my last blog post: https://www.warrioretkqueen.com/ps-i-shouldnt-be-alive-right-now/ . I am turning 40 next July, in less than a year.
The disease hides the suffering, and takes the lives of even those who appear very happy and have “everything.” Suicidality is an invisible and common illness and so many hide it because they are supposed to be strong for those around them.
Are we then considered ‘not strong’ because we speak our truth to the world or inform our loved ones as a call for help?
Are we considered “complainers” or a “burden” because we openly share our stories?
Do we then condemn, marginalize, scrutinize, and ostracize, those who choose to elevate their voice to save their own life and potentially the lives of others?
I was searching for all my posts on my blog on Suicide and Suicide Prevention over the years and came across this post “Fighting Suicide”, from 2016…in commemoration of Robin Williams’ passing a few years before. The post links to a Facebook Note I wrote here: https://www.facebook.com/notes/10157334333546572/ …
Here in this post, I reference another piece I wrote about Suicide.
http://www.warrioretkqueen.com/suicide/
I read the piece on Facebook again and I was very proud of it. It was the first piece I wrote on Mental Health more directly and the piece that served as a “coming out” on social media… I wish sometimes that I would have published my pieces to other mediums, as a guest post, or something, to bring to the mainstream or a wider audience, and I do think some of my posts are worthy of that. It isn’t too late.
A short excerpt from the FB note:
“I write all this because I am now on an active quest to truly change the story….you know when it is time, and you know when you come to the critical realization about how you must take back the power you actually have to change the narrative.”
Reading that FB Note I wrote 9 years ago reminds me that the change I seek in myself and the world about mental health is a grueling and difficult process that will take a lot of time…
…As I am still working on figuring out what it truly means to “change the narrative” and in the constant fight to rewrite my story.
It goes back to my argument that people have been talking about mental health and suicide for a long time. Are we listening?
Did anyone hear me all this time?
It can be frustrating…
Suicidality, mental illness, is not a “self-creation.” You are not “self-centered,” “self-absorbed,” “selfish” if you struggle with this illness or any other disorder or condition that can lead to it. It is a very serious illness, and the 10th leading cause of death in America. (According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). According to this research report in Science Direct, “Suicidal thoughts are considered to be as disabling as alcohol dependence and severe asthma.”
There are a lot of resources to learn about Suicide Prevention and Suicidality and all issues relevant to mental health. I have shared a lot for many years.
We often choose not to engage these resources.
Because it is not fun and joyful and it is depressing…and it means taking a tiny slice out of the pleasures and happiness we experience.
And because it is hard. We choose comfort and ease over difficulty in a heartbeat.
It’s natural. It’s human.
What makes this frustrating for so many of us screaming our lungs off about Suicide Prevention is when these issues are brought into light only when a celebrity passes.
A celebrity dying by suicide shouldn’t be the primary moment when we have these difficult conversations at a larger scale.
I am not surprised that just months after sharing a video on Suicide Prevention, and Suicide, when the passing of Twitch occurred, no one from my networks checked in on me or consulted me about what I thought, once this topic reached the mainstream once again.
It is astonishing to me, all these years, that no one in my networks, with all that I have shared, thinks it might be good to hear what Elsa has to say about this. Or just to check in with her and see if she is okay.
People know. People knew. People had the knowledge that I have been talking about Suicide for such a long time, and that I have been struggling, but no one reached out. Even though I have been speaking more openly about this for over 8 years…
I wonder if there are others out there who felt the same.
There are people who suffer and die with this illness completely forgotten and will remain forgotten.
During the suicide prevention walk in DC last year, something I shared so much on my social media platforms, this was one of the reasons why I walked in honor of the people of District Tharparkar, Sindh, with the suicide rates increasing there in recent years, many people living in remote rural areas often neglected and forgotten.
No matter one’s social status or level of social capital in society, each individual’s story matters. After that Walk in Oct 2022, I posted a video about suicide prevention on YouTube connected to my efforts through AFSP over the years and a link that was not engaged by even one single person on my social media network. It doesn’t matter if it was a shitty video.
When you engage celebrities more over people within your own network, we are reinforcing the idea that their stories and their efforts are insignificant, we are reinforcing their pain connected to their “invisibility,” which can trigger and enhance suicidality.
The fact of the matter is that whether we have thousands of followers or have a strong social status, these issues only seem to have great significance when we die, not when we are fighting to stay alive.
Meanwhile, we condemn or ignore and marginalize and scrutinize people further and make them face social and professional retributions, the unspoken silent social stigma, and towards people who choose to boldly take on these difficult topics. This is the truth.
I can state with great certainty, that I have faced tremendous backlash both tangible, and intangible (visible and invisible) injustices for speaking my truth in my social and professional networks. I’d like to share specifics of these stories in the future.
And the stigma affects people very differently based on being a person of color, and with a particular social and socio-economic status.
This is the truth for the few people who choose to engage this topic, knowing very well what it may cost them, and this makes it difficult for others to join in, share their stories and experiences.
It boggles my mind how much I share on this topic and get very little engagement within my network, and then a post about a celebrity dying connected to Suicide receives such great attention and empathy.
It appears that it always has to take a celebrity’s death to give greater importance and attention to the topic of suicide prevention and suicide.
And when people draw the strength and courage to share their stories and promote suicide prevention, those efforts should actually matter to their family, friends and others in their networks just as much as when celebrities share their stories… and that people are not so easily shocked to hear of a suicide, because that celebrity “appeared happy” all the time, and further instill the stigma and idea that somehow a person who was visibly happy all the time and dies by suicide is more valuable than someone who openly shares their stories for survival and shows clear signs of mental illness and still dies by suicide…
We must learn to take the time to educate ourselves if we have loved ones or peers or friends who have depression and are suicidal. We must also do this if we don’t know anyone, because it is very likely that you do know someone.
The stigma is real and it persists. We increase the stigma even more when we minimize the ‘individual story.’ The power of the individual story on this topic is profound. This is the very collective stigma that we need to eradicate once and for all.
Should I be sorry that I am angry and frustrated sometimes about this? When I tell family members or friends that I am feeling suicidal, or I just had an attempt, and they completely ignore it? Or instead, call the police, rather than understanding that I may need someone to talk to?
Should I be sorry that I get triggered by what voices we elevate and what voices we silence?…
Should I apologize for expressing my pain?
We forget to think of our loved ones or friends in these instances.
Last year, people talked about Twitch showing himself in public as the happiest guy, smiling and bringing joy to people’s lives and never complaining. But some people spoke about this as if it is a bad thing if people showed the opposite, as if it would be worse if they “complained” and shared their sadness openly.
There is a deep hidden stigma in this, which contributed to Twitch’s silence and surprise suicide.
People who dismiss the sadness and the depression around them are fueling this stigma.
Psychologists note that people who struggle with depression have the ability to demonstrate compassion and empathy for people at a much higher level than others.
When the news of Twitch’s suicide emerged, so many people were weighing in, from celebrities or health care professionals, or fans. Fans could not believe this happened.
One of the common messages that was being highlighted was to use this incident as a reminder. What I must ask, WHY? Why only this incident?
Why only Robin Williams passing?
1/100 people die by Suicide around the world.
They are not all celebrities.
And I noticed even with all the years going by, even with Covid Pandemic, and beyond, How is it that people are still saying that we need to START talking more about mental health? STILL?
Don’t you see us? Screaming our lungs out!?!
If you do care about mental health, why is it that the voices of celebrities talking about mental health, or dying by suicidal or surviving suicide matter more than those in your circles?
The Stigma is removed at the level where there is greater social capital, but it is entrenched deeply in your inner circles when social capital is limited.
This is the inconvenient truth.
And The truth is that people are in fact… talking. It is not that people are not talking. It is that people are not listening.
People are not listening to people in your own networks who are screaming.
I have been talking about Suicide for the past 15 years on my social network profiles and more in the past few years. I have shared videos. I have written blog posts. Probably hundreds and hundreds of FB, Twitter, and Instagram posts, and have supported fundraising for Suicide Prevention for 8+ years.
Why do we demonstrate empathy and compassion more when a celebrity passes and not when someone we know is still alive, and fighting for survival? Why don’t we support people who do spread the message? Or is it just a certain personality who we would support? How? Why?
Our understanding of mental health and personality disorders is very limited if we think that only certain people should be heard. This defeats the purpose of curing stigma and mental health awareness.
It really cannot be a “Popularity Contest.” No, not this. If we continue along this way, we are going to increase the triggers.
I cannot express how infuriating it can be every time a celebrity dies by Suicide and people say, more people should talk about it, but don’t actually listen to the people they know who have been screaming about it for years and years!
It’s exhausting. We want to beat stigma, we have to confront these difficult conversations.
What stops you from following through a plan or ideation is the images that come in your mind of people hurting, when they see your dead body. You stay alive for them. So then why don’t your pain or tears matter to them when you are still alive?
And if that’s what you think, then maybe a part of your subconscious knows that they are there…
I can totally understand the trigger this has for suicide loss survivors as well.
From my knowledge and memory, no one has ever asked me that question directly, Elsa, what can we do to support you and others who are struggling and sharing their stories?
It is about the willingness to listen with the pure recognition that for that moment as we listen, it might be very painful and triggering and we have to be willing to take it.
I would recommend making the effort to learn from the many resources out there, do the research, or review the research and resources that we are sharing (I have shared a lot from AFSP over the years). Most importantly do not shut down or shut the door on difficult conversations, and be willing to learn how to catch the signs.
Listening, Empathic listening. This is a skill that needs to be nurtured on a regular basis, alongside the understanding that a person is a sum of many parts, their illness does not define them, but is still a part of their identity, their story, and their experiences.
No Retributions. Sharing our stories should not lead to social or professional retributions and when we encourage and support people who share their story, we pay it forward and invite others to feel safe in sharing theirs. We need to have regular and consistent conversations.
Every situation is different too and their experiences with mental health differ…and most people suffer in silence. For those who do speak their truth and tell their stories, and those who say they are suicidal: believe them… sometimes just listening or being heard could save a life.
The inconvenient truth is that power, agency, influence, popularity, and social capital matter in suicide prevention efforts, among other things.
The hardest part about all of this and your own story of suicidality is knowing what you know. Knowing that so many people in your life knew about your struggle and know about it. And they did absolutely nothing, didn’t take the time to research, or have a conversation, or walked away when things got hard, or didn’t try hard enough. All we need is communication, and conversation and the bloody guts to sit through the discomfort.
It is for me the most unbearable thing to live with. This knowledge. It’s so painful. It triggers and reinforces my suicidality and my pain. And if I keep living, I want people to know this, because if I keep this pain locked up inside, it will not sustain me. This is my truth.
Sorry, it is uncomfortable or inconvenient for the world to know my truth.
Let us please continue these difficult conversations. Let us learn how we can be better at being there for one another.
My hope is that we understand why it is important to remember people struggling with Suicidality whether they show the signs or not and make their stories of survival matter, before it is too late.
Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your sister
Dr. Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
I know firsthand how even just talking or reading or hearing about suicide can potentially trigger so many people out there who are suffering. I don’t think that #988 is the best place to call, but at least it is something, if you are in a crisis. So please do dial it, if you are in the United States.
But If you see this post and need a friendly person to talk to, please know that you can reach out to me. Please comment below. Please share Your Story here in this space.
This piece is a bit all over the place, my apologies, but there are some good points and takeaways, so I hope you can still take something valuable from it.
Lastly, please support suicide prevention:
Here is my fundraiser for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention this year:
https://supporting.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=2827039
I have linked this on Facebook too: https://www.facebook.com/donate/1346125822974339/
Thank you so much for reading, engaging and giving my voice a chance!
Please feel free to follow, share my work, and/or learn more about me here. I also welcome feedback and discussion. Thank you for your support and wish you well on your writing and artistic journey!
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