“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
— Lucius Annaeus Seneca
“A Suicide Note” #1
A much-delayed, “Trigger Warning.”
…..
The sweetest sound can be your name.
So “They” say.
Straddling a stool at a bar…
Alone…Forbidden…
For me?…
So “They” say.
Disguised as a ‘perfect stranger’ in an “anthropological experiment.”
So “You” say…
As the Bartender reads those glorious words written on your credit card.
The sweetest sound.
Who is that person?
A wonderous inquisition.
You’ll take it. The music for your ears.
Bittersweet.
But you will take it.
Dries up some tears.
For the moment.
******
This……This is who I am. … isn’t it?
I am not afraid to honor this Truth.
I am not brave for declaring my Truth.
Our worlds give us the permission to live, breathe, walk, talk….. authentically.
To Speak our Truth….. authentically.
******
Do you mean it?
Do you know what it means…to be authentic?
Do you want to hear the truth?
Do we really want to know people….
To connect to humanity, to help humanity…
…to cure the “belonging uncertainty?”
*****
I wish
I wish you listened.
I wish you heard my cries.
I wish you didn’t ignore my call for help.
I wish you let me cry.
I wish you weren’t afraid.
I wish you were brave.
I wish you would have tried.
Tried harder.
And Kept Trying.
Do you think you tried?
******
I wish you didn’t push me away.
I wish you didn’t reject me, without knowing me, beyond what you saw on the surface.
I wish you could have seen the love that I could give you.
I wish you could have accepted the love I gave you.
I wish you made an effort to help thaw my numbness.
I wish it wasn’t up to me to reconcile…
I wish I didn’t always have to apologize, ….that I wasn’t expected to apologize…
I wish I didn’t always have to forgive you.
I wish you understood that the bitterness, anger, sadness, pain, suffering…. was valid…
I wish you wouldn’t come to me only when it was convenient for you…
You were lucky…
I did not succeed. …
You can check it off your list now. …
That you knocked on my door… And come back whenever you are ready…
You will be welcome…
****
I never shut my door… despite my clenched fist…
I clenched…. because I needed to fight.
****
If only.
If only you would have checked up on me…
Even when you saw me fighting.
If only you believed me when I told you who I was…. when I told you what happened to me.
If only you recognized how easy it could be for me to pull the trigger.
If only you would not filter me out.
If only you celebrated my journey of survival the way I deserved it.
While I was still here….
If only I wasn’t invisible to you…
If only you could see me…
If only you would show up for me…
And that it wouldn’t take a crisis situation for you to remember me.
****
I am asking for too much…
Tell me…
****
The sweetest sound can be MY name.
****
If the images of you screaming my name and weeping over my dead body …
stops me from surrendering to darkness….
… Then…
Why?…..
Why don’t my tears matter….. While I am still in the LIGHT?
*****
Humble request: Please support Suicide Prevention efforts.
Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister,
Dr. Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for the Knight. She was looking for the Sword.” – Atticus
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