Anxiety in Public Speaking … Part I.

I wrote this post on Facebook earlier this month and thought it should be included here as I’ve been blogging parts of my PhD Journey here too. The majority of what I have captured in my PhD life has actually been on Facebook since the moment I started applying to PhD programs in 2010-2011, and I documented everything really, including many if not all of my fieldwork travels around Pakistan. I have saved those in my Facebook profile and will try to produce something more from those efforts. It was indeed a significant effort looking back to share a lot of that back then, while in the field.
This post was specific to the challenges I’ve had with my anxiety in academic presentations and public speaking for most of my academic career.
I am just copying and pasting it here (from April 8th, 2021):
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In 2013 or 2014 I had a visible panic attack during my final graduate statistics course while doing a presentation. I saw the the faces of the students, some concerned, some smiling, and I was ashamed, as usual. It wouldn’t be my first and it was not my last in the Program…
But one of my classmates came up to me that day, with a smile and told me, “Man, Elsa, if you cannot handle a class presentation, how are you going to do the defense.” I simply responded, “Yeah, I understand.” I was taken aback by that remark, and I later informed that person that I felt bad, but I have an anxiety disorder. I know this is a problem. I’ve been working on it, and will continue to work on it. The individual was very apologetic and kind. Although no one should have to explain themselves. In a few years, that individual dropped out of the PhD program. And I felt sorry, they are many reasons people quit. And that’s okay too.
Nevertheless, I’m still here. I didn’t quit. I stuck with it. I got an “A” in that paper, and that Stats class. It was my first stats class out of the five I took in graduate school that I got an “A” in. Not a Quant person. Just a semester after that I went on to present in school workshops, regional conferences, national conferences, and international conferences. I “bombed” most of them. But I still did them. In my proposal defense 4 years ago, I bombed it, and had a very visible panic attack. There was a point however in between that I did improve my presentation skills, but I kinda relapsed after coming back from fieldwork two years ago feeling completely burned out and overwhelmed by the task ahead of me. I drove to Durham, NC and did a presentation at PolNet in Duke University. It was a complete and utter disaster. After the bombed presentation, I went to the restroom, fell to the ground, and had a massive panic attack. Luckily no one was there to see it. But it was just another wake up call for me to do something about my health.
Indeed, there are deeper issues we all must work through, but when we don’t have the resources to address them, we cannot stop ourselves from living, fighting, and pursuing our dreams, can we? We have to keep moving. We have to keep living and going.
Yes, it is important to be as professional as possible in academic presentations. In all professional talks. But I perhaps diverge in the conventional thinking on this in the sense that anxiety in speaking or speaking with a stutter, as I do often because of my anxiety, should not be categorized as “unprofessional.”
I know. I know. I know. I know. That it will always be difficult for me, no matter how much practicing and presenting I do. But I’ll keep doing it. and I will keep bombing, and I’ll keep at it, because that is the only way I’ll get better. I haven’t performed in a long time, so showing up and not having a panic attack today was a big deal. I still bombed it tremendously, but I did not have a panic attack. I’ll use today to focus on what I need to improve. I hope to continue presenting at upcoming conferences, even if the “buree nazar” or “evil eye” keeps winning…
And maybe someday I will convert this post into a Ted Talk on public speaking and mental health in academia.
I will put a polished version of this on my ETK warrior queen self-empowerment blog in the meantime.
Thank you so much for taking the time reading this post.
Okay back to dissertating…
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I will write more in-depth on this another time.
For the time being, I’m posting this here to bring some context to this issue within my story and this personal struggle. I think I may have written a few posts in the past that may have referenced this part of my anxiety disorder, but not entirely devoted to the issue. I’ll come back to this in some posts in the near future!
I am serious about the Ted Talk. It’s been a dream to be able to do Ted Talks and I’ve already created a folder for material on this topic actually nearly 4 years ago. Will make it a goal post-dissertating to share this one. I’ve got a lot more material now from this past year especially…
In the meantime, if you come by this post, let’s take a moment together to reflect on the anecdote above and the wisdom here:
“Every master was once a disaster. “ – Harv Eker
“There are two types of speakers: Those who get nervous and those who are liars.” – Mark Twain
Thank you for reading!
Peace, warmth, and blessings,
Your Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a knight. She was looking for a sword.” – Atticus
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