I Tried to Tell You: A Suicide Note (#2)

“If you’re looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.” – Unknown

Dear Fellow Warrior,

I hope you are having a fruitful Suicide Prevention Month at the start of a new academic calendar. This is a spoken word poem I wrote at a vulnerable moment this month. I believe it is crucial to honor our authenticity, even as we push through our challenges. And I honor mine, as you know, unapologetically, to cure stigmas.

At this crucial time, I want to remind people that even the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. struggled with suicidal ideations and attempts and he had to hide them so that his opponents in the civil rights movement wouldn’t use it against him. We shouldn’t have to do that 60+ years later in 2024.

As a suicide survivor, sharing this poem is an important part of my long-term healing process. By bringing my experiences into the open, I hope to help others feel less alone and contribute to breaking down the mental health stigma and barriers to healing and growth. I will honor every vulnerable moment with authenticity, as I heal in my journey of recovery… because that’s how we don’t leave “the others” behind. Thank you for reading.

I Tried to Tell You: A Suicide Note #2

Trigger Warning.

We have to give those, don’t we?

The trigger warnings…

Even though it’s so natural to say:

“I’m feeling suicidal.”

Just like catching a cold.

But we still have to give the warnings…

To brace for the discomfort,
For someone else.

Even though the signs were there.

I tried to tell you…

I wrote the poems.
I painted the paintings.
I posted the words.
I penned the articles.
I joined the walks.
I promoted the fundraisers.

The signs were clear.

I was fighting.
I tried to tell you.
I was fighting for my life.

But still, we give the warnings,
Because my truth…
Might disrupt your peace.

When we choose authenticity.
When we live, breathe, dream, walk in our story…
Discomfort follows… for the other.

Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable…
It’s a tough conversation.
A conversation that you said you were open to.

Did you lie?
When you said you’d be there? Did You lie?
When you said I could call you anytime? Did you Lie?

Don’t do that. Don’t say what you don’t mean…
Don’t offer empty promises.

You talk what brings you peace,
Not what might bring you pain.

But …
You heard me.
You read my words.

You see me…

It was too hard. Just a little too much.
Too much effort.

You know… To look it up.

Do a little research….on your own…

To learn. To understand. To Grow…as I grow…

I wasn’t worth it.

I wasn’t worth the Google search.
Or a Chat with AI.
Not worth your time or energy.

To even… Try.

You did not love me enough.

I wasn’t enough. I didn’t matter….enough…

You didn’t see the signs…

The signs that I could see…

How every day, I wake up, seeing the image of myself hanging from the ceiling fan…

How every night, I stare at the fan, with the same image in my mind.

How there isn’t a day I don’t flinch, wondering what more reasons God will give me to “call it quits”...

How I am afraid to reach out to anyone, knowing that I will be “othered,” shamed, blamed…or be another painful reminder that I have to fight this alone.

That I am… in fact… so utterly alone.

It is true…

How much society shames “struggle”…

Until we reach success.

Either we succeed in Life…

Or succeed in the attempt to end it…

Succeed in being somebody or

succeed in becoming a Nobody...
You embrace that part,
Only that part.

… “Success”…

Nothing in between…

Just for a brief moment…

Because…

The moment the truth is known,
I’m discarded.
Thrown aside,
For “coloring outside the line,”

For letting it slip…
For saying what’s too natural:

“I’m feeling suicidal.”

Then …. It’s over.

And I am supposed to forgive you?

For calling the Police… to silence me.

Instead of calling me, to listen… to give my voice a chance.

I shouldn’t have tried.
I tried to tell you.
I shouldn’t have tried.

Is it too late for me now?

If I have to be the “Qurbani Ka Bakara”… The Sacrificial Goat.
Then Let this be my martyrdom.

It may be too late for me,
But please Go…. Go save the others.

***********

Please Support Suicide Prevention.

Happy Suicide Prevention Month.

This is the second poem in my “Suicide Note” series.

You can read the first one here. I performed it here at Busboys and Poets last year.

Thank you for reading and giving my voice a chance.

Peace, Warmth, Solidarity, and Blessings,

Your Sister

Dr. Elsa

Warrior KQueen

“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus

Thank you for reading and engaging!

You can learn more about me here. If you feel inspired by my writing and would like to support me, you are welcome to do so HERE.

I also welcome discussion. Please feel free to use the comments section below. Thank you, I wish you well on your academic, writing, and artistic journey!