“…you can’t plan out or perfectly schedule the big moments in your life. They just happen to you when they happen, sometimes because you made them happen and sometimes because you couldn’t stop them from happening.”
― Caitlin Rush, Curses Beneath Her Feet
{Featured Photo is an oil painting I attempted in 2017, signifying the “Milestone Lap”}
I have been wanting to write this post for a long time.
But it will have to be a quick post, as I need to keep treading…
I’d like to say that this will be quick, but normally when I say that, it ends up being long anyway, somehow. I guess that is the Typical ETK. LOL. Sorry about that…
But as I have documented some of my major milestones in my PhD journey here and on social media over the years, I want to be sure to capture this one. As there is a chance I might be finally closing a big chapter of my life…Inshallah (Godwilling)…
As someone who is quite an open book about everything in her life, maybe that has invited the “buree nazar” (evil eye) at times, (which I will discuss in another post in the near future)…but I continue to share my story for the sake of my own catharsis, survival, and self-empowerment, and if it helps even one person, well that’s a win too…
I had been “relapsing” a lot on my mental health the past few months, including on Mental Health Awareness Month in May (a belated annual post is on the way for that as well)… But I had to push through it…
And I really can’t tell you how long I’ve been yearning to write this post.
… How long I have been pushing to achieve this milestone… and how this milestone, even though I’m not quite there yet, will propel that “sprint to the PHinish,” when it has felt like I’d be crawling and dragging my body to the Finish-line…
Well, I finally got to it. It was actually now, a little over three months ago that I had finally submitted my “first draft” of my dissertation to my Chair after a very long period of stagnancy, and a difficult year…
I told my father when I submit the first draft to my Professor, I would Scream…
And there it was, THE SCREAM….finally… Still no light…
I actually even began to write this post I had in mind immediately after that milestone but just could not feel good about sharing it until I actually saw a light…
But I would submit again and again…. Mini-Screams…
And I pressed “submit” one more time. And there was Scream 2. Where I submitted my final revised conclusion chapter with recommended revisions to my Chair…
Still no light…
So then Ramadan came, and I spent the evenings all the way up to dawn, rewriting and making all revisions necessary to present a “near-final draft” for my Committee to review. This would be the big one…. But it was getting harder and harder and harder, and I was losing and breaking my momentum easily … At times, I really thought I was going to give up… on more than just this dissertation…
But finally, June 3rd, 2 days after my father’s birthday… SCREAM 3.
And there it was.
“The light.”
That light at the end of the tunnel …faint …but there… that light that everybody talks about….that light I thought would be impossible for me to see.. There it was…
After 9.759 years (not going to say 10 when I don’t have to 😊 ), I finally saw “The Light.”
Quite the rollercoaster ride…this PhD…Man…
Lots of screams and still a few more to come… And if anybody has been on a rollercoaster ride with me, they know my screams are quite “something” … 😉
Waking up the next day…. I could see blotches of color in my day again…. I could finally breathe a little better again… I could speak a little more clearly… I could walk with my head up a little… I could laugh and smile in a way I haven’t for a long time… I could see shades of purple more clearly hehe (my favorite color). The texture of the leaves on trees…so many things in 3D … the sounds… the colors around me….
Friends, I can’t even imagine what life would be like when I actually finally finish!
I noted in a post on social media that it was like stepping off the boat on Canadian soil after escaping from Gilead and taking the first breath… (maybe not the best analogy, given the level of brutality of Gilead, but many PhDs are “tortured souls” for a reason)…
There is distance still… but “Praise BE”… there was “Air”….and there was a “light.” For the first time, to be able to see it, after such a long road….it is quite an incredible feeling.
It’s important to honor and celebrate the milestones. Especially with difficult journeys that need to be taken piece by piece. I have mentioned this before in my previous posts, but this is a good opportunity for a reminder…
It has now been a little over two years, since March 18th, 2019, the day I returned from my fieldwork in Pakistan, and I shared my milestone here:
http://www.warrioretkqueen.com/im-back-and-with-another-milestone-completed/
I really love this post, because even after all the setbacks I had post-fieldwork, it reminded me of that excitement of diving into my large data corpus more closely for analysis… because I had such an unbelievably incredible, challenging, eye-opening and inspiring fieldwork experience from one corner of Pakistan to another. And with all this time passing, I have worried about what value this data could have post-Pandemic. It is something I have reflected on quite a bit and still not quite sure. I completed my fieldwork PRECISELY ONE YEAR before the Pandemic lockdown in the United States and only less than a year before the Global pandemic wreaked havoc across the world.
It’s just so surreal reading this post and some of my posts over the years in this space. It has been my place to empower myself, amid all the tribulations and uncertainties, for the past 5 or so years since I started this blog, apparently halfway through my degree program (February 2016).
It’s so easy, after such a difficult year, and while seeing others move on with their lives, to feel like a “complete bum.” It is why, you need moments on such big endeavors, to honor and celebrate your milestones.
And as I had shared in this previous post, one way I have done that, with every milestone over the years in the program is running a “victory lap” for that milestone…, wherever I am located, around the neighborhood…
I ran a lap when I finished my first semester, when I passed my comprehensive exam, when I finished my last semester of courses, when I turned in my Fields Statement, when I passed my fields exam, when I submitted my dissertation proposal, when I was awarded fellowships and scholarships, when I completed my presentations at regional, national, and international conferences, when I completed the transcriptions of all 178 interviews on my own, when I completed all the major coding of all interviews, when I got my first coauthored publications, when I achieved my first primary-authored publication in the year 2020, and every submission of a draft chapter of the dissertation to my Chair, etc. etc. etc…… It’s really quite a process and one must embrace the process and remember what you have accomplished ESPECIALLY when you’re losing hope or stamina…
Here is a selfie on my Milestone Lap after my dissertation Proposal Defense in June 2017…..
The caption of this post four years ago:
“I may have looked a little silly down on Edsall road, but It was difficult for me to put my fist down at times… lol! Starting to hit me that It actually happened Praise be to God!! Found myself saying Allahuakbar out loud and pointing to the sky and smiling. Because I am a Muslim and I love God, and I love humanity. And I just want to contribute something positive in the world. Muslims work hard and achieve, just like anyone else. They don’t kill in the name of God. They love and serve humanity in the name of God. God bless you all.” Perhaps a little too provocative for some…maybe even me in 2021… lol 😉
Here is a selfie on my milestone lap after I returned from my fieldwork in 2019 (the caption for this was the blog post I shared earlier on the Fieldwork Milestone) ….
I even ran a lap after finally being able to figure out and complete my fieldwork network mapping (as well as the NVivo Concept Map a month later)! 🙂
And as I look through my pictures, I see that it has been such an incredible journey and experience and there is so much more to write about. I am glad I took thousands of pictures because it brings back the memories, some of which seem to be fading away with time…
Every milestone has helped me honor the stamina and determination, and reflections to keep moving forward and never giving up…
I’ve stated before that I was always in it for “the journey”…preparing for how difficult it may be, not only for the type of research I was embarking on, but also due to my mental health condition…
In October 2019, about eight months after returning from Fieldwork, and after completing the transcriptions of all 178 interviews and field notes before beginning my coding, I took a trip back to my hometown in Wisconsin to spend a week or two with my parents.
I went out for a jog in our neighborhood…And I could not understand what was happening to me. I could barely move my feet!!! I came back inside our house and then just started crying. This never happened to me before…but this was not the first sign I had that my physical and mental health was deteriorating.
When I returned from Pakistan, I was extremely overwhelmed by the task ahead of me. Not only that, I had increasing panic attacks, my liver enzymes were elevated, I had exacerbated sleep problems, increased anxiety, high cholesterol (possibly from all the Peshawari Chapli Kabaabs hehe), Vitamin deficiencies, and asthma, among other things. It became worse with setback over setback over setback within my personal life and research endeavors, living situation and beyond. And then a Pandemic came and made my OCD, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideations and physical health TEN times worse.
I will share lessons from my experience in the future, but one thing that I learned with or without the pandemic is the importance of taking care of your health along the way, and how big of a difference it can make in keeping the stamina and completing your doctorate, especially when you choose a longer path. But no matter how much you do, you would have to be prepared for some negative impact on your health. We just have to find a way to mitigate it as much as possible. And no matter how much I tried, and even with everything I would do “self-help” when I couldn’t find help, it is just so difficult without access to resources or with very limited resources.
But I will no doubt use the trauma and the pain of this process to continue to build the necessary humility and character to honor this research and more going forward…and to help others in any way I can…
Here I am now, all grown up, on my Milestone Lap for Scream 3 the next day after submitting a “near final” draft to my Committee….
Wearing my 2020 Gaza 5k T-shirt for the first time that day… was waiting for the right moment (will share more on this in a future post)…
Here, I thought I’d capture a photo with my baby the day she was born (I was so HAPPY that “the message” I was trying to convey was delivered 😉)….
Caption on Twitter:
“Introducing the newest addition to the Khwaja Family! Born 6/3, 377 pgs, 3 lbs, 15 ozs. 9+ Yrs Labor. Mommy & Baby are doing fine.. Doctors will be monitoring for next few weeks/months. Thank you for the prayers!”
If you are on Facebook (or Instagram), you can find the full story here. Hopefully the post speaks for itself 😉: https://www.facebook.com/elsa.khwaja/posts/10157790183551572
There will be more screams to emerge, and hopefully it will not startle you … But I am more optimistic that I’ll be able to write my post on “The Victory Lap,” in the next few months, if not sooner…
And I hope you would join me, just for a moment, as I “swing from the chandeliers.”
*******
I do want you to know that I understand if you cannot join me because you are struggling. I understand how difficult that can be, to be there for others in their achievements while you are trying to figure out your life and situation. Especially when you have been struggling for a long time and most especially during times of crises when things are harder than they normally are.
Over the years, and just a little less recently, but definitely over the years, I have watched others graduate. I have attended their graduations and defenses. I have celebrated them, encouraged many of them. I have watched others make something of their lives and have been happy for them of course…. For their graduations, weddings, engagements, babies, babies, babies, etc. etc. etc…. even while all I could ever think about was working on my PhD… it was hard…
… I guess just a little voice inside has wondered about whether anything big would ever happen for me…
Admittedly there were times that I just missed or couldn’t fully “be present” or couldn’t fully be happy for others when I was miserable for myself. And that creates a certain type of guilt and shame that reinforces the already existing stress and pain… Maybe others could manage to be fully there, compartmentalizing, but I couldn’t be…not at any moment during the process…I was still there, but not fully there…
That’s one cost of doing a PhD for many of us. You cannot fully be present when you have something that big on your shoulders and not many can really understand that… It’s not a selfish thing, it takes a lot out of you, a massive toll mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally… The time lost from building those relationships and sustaining those relationships is a painful loss. You only hope they will still “be there” when you couldn’t and when you are ready… but that is a lot to ask… It is also time lost from other types of opportunities and things you love to do, no matter how much you try to balance your life…
I think that’s what having dreams can do to you. I hope that element can change for me in the near future, especially after this unprecedented Pandemic.
God didn’t make one single process during this PhD easy for me. Not one day, not one class, not one paper, not one presentation, not one meeting with an accomplished Professor, not one moment, not one milestone… and I know the remainder of my time will be extremely, extremely difficult, but I want to take it in whatever is left, enjoy and embrace the process…
….Because, I know it was all for a reason…
And in the meantime, I will celebrate my milestones.
Honor and celebrate YOUR milestones.
Because every time you honor that moment in a journey like this, it gives you another push towards the next milestone towards that dream… It gives you the necessary stamina to keep moving, keep going… keep fighting…keep pushing… And every time you are reminded again and again and again that “everything seems impossible until it’s done”…
I see a “light”… and I look forward to finally “swinging from chandeliers”…
Thank you for reading this post. And thank you so much for those who could be there in different parts of this journey and those who have stuck around now and till the end!
“Scars are milestones of the past.”
― Khang Kijarro Nguyen
Peace, warmth, and blessings,
Your Elsa
The Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a knight. She was looking for a sword.” –Atticus
One of the quotes that I have carried with me throughout my higher education:
“All your scholarship would be in vain if at the same time you do not build your character and attain mastery over your thoughts and your actions.” – Mahatma Gandhi
June 7, 2021 at 12:04 pm
My dearest WQ..i have decided to comment here instead of FB…to avoid buri nazar for our growing friendship, an immaculate relationship which means a lot me… I just want to whoooooooleheaaaaaartedly congratulate you for this long awaited milestone and i am so happy to share the joy with you… More power to you and you are the light and hope… You will prevail insha’Allah insha’Allah
June 8, 2021 at 2:52 am
Thank you so so so much Saeed! It truly means a lot. I really appreciate your friendship as well and look forward to future opportunities for collaboration and your company post Pandemic. Thank you for your truly kind and generous note. warm wishes and salaams.