“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you.” – Rumi
“To be alive is the most radical act of all.” – Andrea Gibson
Dear Fellow Warrior,
Sometimes it feels as if my entire world is giving me every reason to kill myself.
Not directly, perhaps. But the silence, the erasure, the betrayal, the envy, the abandonment… they all seem to give me the go-ahead. The green light. Permission to disappear.
And somehow, when I fight to stay alive, I am punished even more.
Punished for choosing life.
Punished for trying to empower myself.
Punished for reclaiming my voice and my space.
Punished for searching, desperately at times, to believe I am worthy of life, of love, of opportunity.
It’s truly remarkable. Subhanallah.
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.” – Qur’an 2:286
Many people who suffer from suicidality struggle with those demons that tell them that no one wants them. No one wants you alive. You have been a burden. You are too much. It’s time to go. They want you dead. They are waiting for you to pull the trigger. To call it quits.
You feel it. You know the drill… Some of it might be true… some of it…you know, is not.
But in some ways, you have been given more than enough evidence… that they prefer you in the dark. They don’t want your light.
They want you to remain in the darkness… Which essentially means, they may be okay with your body alive, but they prefer your soul to be dead.
Allah has given me an incredible test…. of resilience, of faith, of survival.
And through it, I’ve come to understand that some people don’t need to say the words out loud to wish you gone. Their actions, silence, or refusal to acknowledge your existence or your struggle… it speaks volumes.
But I wasn’t sent to this earth to make them comfortable.
I wasn’t born to remain in the shadows, the darkness…
I cannot allow others to erase me.
And I will not die just because the world finds it easier if I am no longer here.
Suddenly, fighting suicidality has become part and parcel to that The Ultimate Revolution.
As my favorite verse in the Quran reminds me:
“Whoever saves one life, it is as if they have saved all of humanity.” (Qur’an 5:32)
So I will continue to try…again and again… to save my own life…
Even if no one else tries. And even if the world keeps punishing me for it.
This is part of the inward and outward revolution….
Because surviving is a form of resistance. For some of us… we just know… when we consider all our identity factors combined… we see the world telling us that our mere existence and persistence must become a form of resistance.
And perhaps no one understands this better right now than the people of Palestine.
To choose life when your entire existence is under siege…to breathe, speak, grieve, remain alive…is the resistance.
It’s why, especially in recent years, I’ve felt such a profound synergy between being suicidal and being Palestinian. To feel erased. To be punished for surviving. To have your humanity debated while your pain is live-streamed and ignored.
When you carry both a real experience of mental health struggle and a strong connection to the Palestinian people… the kismet is undeniable. That pain and truth are walking hand in hand.
(I’ll be sharing more about this connection in an upcoming article.)
Choosing to live is revolutionary.
Choosing to live when the world wants you dead is the ultimate rebellion. Especially when choosing life means fighting for your freedom and your story to matter.
And in this world of violence, lies, and silence… maybe the most radical thing you can do is refuse to die.
So if you’ve ever felt like the world is cheering for your downfall, just know this…
You may not be wrong.
But your life is still yours. Your breath is still yours.
And your fight is still yours.
Hasbunallahu wa ni’ma al-Wakeel.
Allah is Sufficient for me, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs.
May Allah reward us for fighting through the demons, the stigma, the silence, and the hate.
For holding on, even when everything tells us to let go. For staying alive when staying alive felt like the loneliest act in the world. May He write our survival as a victory.
And if today, all you did was breathe through it, know that that counts too…
If you or someone you love is in pain, please know there is help.
I know. It’s tough. You wish people would reach out. But they don’t. And now you know….That most of them wouldn’t care if you woke up the next morning.
But something is keeping you alive isn’t it. Maybe it’s unfinished business. Maybe it’s that one person, or the people who gave you life. Maybe it’s that dream that you know is still possible.
Whatever it is, hold on to it.
This may never get easier.
This world can feel unbearably heavy, especially at this moment right now… But your life is significant. And your presence is not a mistake. You are a gift to this world.
Godwilling. Inshallah. This moment is temporary.
We need you here. For when things get better. Because it will get better. And we can make it better by doing better in being there for one another…. Those of us who choose love, not fear, not hate…. But Love.
The kind of revolutionary love that has kept us alive… the moment we realized that our mere existence is revolutionary.
Happy Mental Health Awareness Month. Please support Suicide Prevention.
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” – Seneca
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” – Marcus Aurelius
“Choosing to live is revolutionary. And in this world of hate and silence, I choose to life.” – Dr. Elsa Talat Khwaja
In Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister, Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for Sword.” – Atticus
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