“You must be the change you want to see in the World.” – Mahatma Gandhi
Dear Fellow Warrior,
I hope you had a great start to the new year.
It’s now mid-March in both Women’s History Month, and the blessed month of Ramadan for Muslims. Please check out my prayer for this month here.
This has been quite the start of an eventful year.
In this month, and at the start of a new year, a new beginning, we strive for change.
It is a blessing to be able to have the occasion, but each day we wake up, we are given another opportunity to hit refresh, regain momentum, regain a sense of self, a sense of belonging, a sense of humanity.
I’ve had to say this a lot the past year or so:
We have to let go of those who are unwilling to change and evolve with us.
I have noticed that the hardest part about change is how other people pull us back down. We not only have to work on taking care of our depression, grief, and pain, but some of us have to work so much harder to ensure that the lack of care, support, or downright indifferent and hate from others in our lives do not trigger a relapse. You work so hard to change and then one small moment triggers the relapse.
Some people just cannot let it happen. They have concocted an image of you in their head that they are unwilling to change.
Sadly, most people in your life may not support your mission for change... for personal, intellectual, and even professional growth.
And sadly, as much as we try not to let it get to us…it impacts us anyway.
Sometimes, people will not support your changes because it makes them reckon with their own need to change, and change is a painful process that many people are unwilling to go through for themselves.
It requires a lot of compassion, empathy, and mercy for yourself as well as others around you. And the most difficult part about practicing forgiveness and mercy is doing it even when others are not showing the same for you.
This is why in Islam, similar to other faiths, it is mandated to forgive (no matter how grand the transgression is) for the sake of God.
Sadly, even for the smallest shortcomings or transgressions, people cannot forgive you.
The challenge for growth for anyone, but especially those of us who feel misunderstood or are automatically always misunderstood because of our neurodivergence, our authenticity, our unconventionality, our personality disorders or mental health conditions, is that if the people we love are not growing with us, our growth will continue to remain stagnant, especially if we keep them in our lives.
It remains astonishing to me how little mercy some people have towards people with these conditions. How there is such little understanding or willingness to learn and understand.
I am still trying to understand how I can keep people in my life that I had known for years, who are unwilling to move with me. At times it feels they are unwilling to move with me because they are unwilling to see me overcome my challenges, and to see me rise.
Because I have proven to have massive potential to rise.
People have to be willing and open to conversation and communication. Otherwise, they are only hurting our progress and growth if they keep a fixed mindset about you. It is very hard to find people, even within our family who are willing to understand this and who are willing to accept you as a work in progress, even when your positive qualities outweigh your shortcomings. They invisibilize it all.
And this is especially harmful and potentially dangerous for suicide survivors.
I often quote my buddy Ralph Waldo Emerson, when he says, “To be great is to be Misunderstood.”
The full quote is this: “Misunderstood! It is a right fool’s word. Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.” (Self-Reliance and Other Essays)
I talk about it briefly here, connected to a special moment in the past:
I have to give myself this reminder because people with personality disorders or mental health conditions are deeply misunderstood. Some of us have really big hearts, and everything else about who we are is completely erased because of misunderstandings connected entirely to the intersectionality of our identity factors.
For example, just watch a white woman post about her mental health situation on social media, and then have someone with my identity factors post about that in the same platform. Watch the difference in the engagement between the two….
This is intersectionality at play, exposing the social injustice at a micro-level.
Just sharing our conditions in the open to cure stigmas makes people distance themselves from us, stop engaging us online, or show no mercy at all.
That has been my story.
And the stigma is so profound right now. I have been feeling the stigma increase year by year, when the opposite should be happening.
I don’t think people understand that there are millions of people with these conditions. Millions of people who don’t know what they have. Millions of people are struggling in silence. Millions of people are possibly being misunderstood in their families, friend circles, and communities and are ultimately being subjected to unfair treatment, especially if there is toxicity or narcissism in their networks.
The conversation around this at times comes down to: Mental Illness does not give you the license to express your pain freely and “hurt” others.
Hmmm…. So we are hurting others because we are revealing how their actions and behaviors, or lack thereof, are harming us, while we are struggling to cope and fight our illness?
I am so happy there is an entire genre of research on Narcissism that can back me up.
The punishment of even the smallest revelations of mistreatment or disrespect is further invisibility, further distance. People need to understand that relationships are hard in general. They are going to be harder with people who are different than you, especially if the brain chemistry makeup is challenged.
Do we just alienate ourselves from these people? Abandon them? Because it takes a little extra effort to show our care, love, and support?
And the unwillingness to make the effort, even the simple effort to reach out and see how things are going for someone you know who is struggling, has been so hard for me to process. It adds more hurt to the depression.
I shared this pre-Ramadan reflection about my struggle of being pushed into solitude here:
I may have been defiant of how others were treating me and how others felt about me.
This is not an easy thing to share, nor to admit for anyone. This is another stage of self-awareness and enlightenment that many people who face certain traumas and conditions are not able to reach.
That was then. This is now. In many ways, I have changed.
Of course I would. I have realized in what ways my resistance wasn’t productive or even harmful, and in what ways I was 100% right, given my enhanced understanding of belonging and authenticity, social exclusion, and injustice.
Whether I was right or wrong, I learned what I could not control… I am still learning. I grew up… I am still growing. I changed… I am still changing.
People change.
I still have trouble with the control, only because the reality that people with fixed mindsets have about you can sometimes can be so painfully wrong that you feel the burning desire to correct it.
What’s the point? It feels like a suicide mission in and of itself.
It’s never going to change, but if you give a few people so much power over you, they start controlling your narrative.
You let them.
Sadly, that is what I see happening.
And I always feel like I have to keep proving myself to people. Not for their approval, but rather to keep laying out the receipts, so that it can be clear that they are wrong.
I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I just need to be free from that and live the rest of my life creating and contributing for the sake of creation and contribution, and not for proving people that they are wrong about me, or proving to the world what I am capable of doing.
I replaced my need to communicate with people ( those who do not wish to communicate or engage with me), with my writing projects that could have a greater impact for the good. I replaced it with this blog. I only realized recently how helpful of a replacement this is. A place of release. A place where I cannot be silenced.
I am harnessing my talent in memoir-style writing and in confessional truthtelling, which is contributing to a memoir.
People who share their stories about being “reborn,” “rewriting their story,” “changing their stars,” are not convicted felons or murderers.
Some of us are really good people who haven’t found a sense of belonging, who have faced rejection because we do not fit neatly in the boxes that society wants to put us in, or as I stated earlier, we are just so authentic and different, that we are bound to be misunderstood.
It is important to realize what you can control. This doesn’t mean you allow people to walk all over you, and behave as they wish with you. Unfortunately, if you speak your authentic truth, speak truth to power, and “color outside the lines,” you will encounter a lot of jealous, resentful, indignant, and hateful people.
Especially as a WOMAN. Most especially as a Women of color or an authentic women of color from a particular religious or ethnic group.
Some of them may even be people who you’ve spent time with positively, but then they see something they don’t like about you, on your blog or on social media, and they never want to engage you again, without any conversation. They judge one thing, and assume it’s the sum of who you are.
No matter what you do or say, people will continue to resent, bully, and find ways to harm you. Some people punish you with their silence, but they will still find a way to keep an eye on you.
I am a totally different person than I was in my past. But obviously, there are still some of the wounds of the past that creep up. So what? That doesn’t make a bad person. It makes me human.
As I noted in previous posts, I am more aware of the wrong done to me, as a result of my illness, and how my condition was used against me and is being used against me at the current time.
These revelations might make people question me, resent me, or misperceive me even more. They may wonder what could it be that I am doing wrong?
Don’t they always. It’s always the person who raises concerns who is questioned for doing something wrong. The questioning is flipped onto them, and the concerns are never addressed. Because this is the easy way.
Label the scapegoat. Blame the most vulnerable person. And hide the root problems.
And yes, we women, women of color, are always going to think that there is something wrong within us, rather than the systemic, cultural, social bias that we experienced because we chose authenticity.
How can we resolve anything we cannot comprehend?
Communication. If you are watching and reading things, engage with me, talk to me, ask me questions. How can you keep a fixed impression about someone who you know has a good heart and who is constantly working on improving themself? Who has dedicated an entire blog just to improving themselves? How can you not clarify anything if something is bothering you?
As I noted in the past, I have always been an open book, and as an open book, I am not only open to for constructive feedback, but I am open and approachable for a real conversation.
So have mercy for someone who has changed…is changing… and will keep changing.
Do not hold grudges against people, especially on petty matters of the past. But most especially if they are struggling on so many levels. You just don’t hold grudges against the vulnerable.
Being an open book online, I have shared my struggles on social media, and I have been met with further marginalization, complete silence, and lack of understanding, care, or consideration by people.
Let’s just say it is an extra burden as a socialist to try to survive in a neoliberal capitalist world. You can allow the system to rationalize people’s behaviors, but it shouldn’t. People should be able to think and act for themselves, and just because we live in an individualistic, competitive society, it doesn’t mean that support and collective welfare should only be reserved for people who think like you and remain on the surface, fake, and never sincere.
What does that say about you when you are tested with seeing someone in your life who is struggling, obviously calling for help, or just a little support or lift, with something as simple as a conversation, and you not only dismiss that person, but also use it against them, or resent that person for expressing their trauma and pain?
I want to get better. I want my life to change so I can be an example, so I can have the opportunity to help others in a similar situation as mine and show how it is really done. It’s been so hard to be able to appear helpful to others, when you are in a vulnerable state, when you don’t have a position of power.
Forgiveness will always be difficult. But the most vulnerable people are just expected to forgive the people who have zero mercy for them and their challenges and vulnerability. Yet we sit up here, expected to forgive everyone who left us hanging.
I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to convince people that I matter, that I too deserve to be treated with just a little respect and dignity. I have come to a point where I can’t try anymore.
If you had to try that hard, it wasn’t that something was wrong with you. It was that they never cared about you in the first place.
So then, why do they remain connected? Why am I still connected, if they will never change how they feel about me, and ultimately be a factor to pulling me down?
They are certain people we have to forgive, not forget, and not for them, but for our own peace, because they will never change and never see the harm they did to you. We forgive; we don’t forget. We cut the strings and let them go.
And then there are people who we forgive for the sake of that relationship because they are constantly and obviously working on themselves to get better. These are the people who always had far more positive qualities than bad. But for them, the bad erases the good, especially if it makes others confront their mistakes with you, or their own insecurities and jealousies against you.
No one is perfect. Those who do not show mercy to others for their imperfections when they have done more good than bad, when they have more negative than positive, hold fixed mindsets. This mentality is extremely damaging.
Welcome that change, and be inspired to make that change in your own life.
We are all always evolving as human beings. Some of us don’t change. But those of us who take the time to reflect, to emerge out of the darkness, even if we fall back sometimes, are the people that deserve a second or third or fourth chance in this world to make the contributions we can make in life…
We are the people you want as friends in your life. If you know that we have beautiful hearts and souls, then you will take the chance on us, and be there throughout our evolutionary process.
Even this post shows evolution if you are willing to see it.
Be there for us during the journey of struggle and towards the journey of triumph.
I have often said in the past, “Thanks for giving my voice a chance.” Thanks for giving me a fourth, fifth, or 6th chance.
I believe this may have invited more scrutiny (even from smart people and people I trust to “get it”)…that I may have done something wrong, and there must be something so awful about me.
It was actually intended to be more of a moment for humility.
It was self-deprecating humor that people may have taken out of context or misunderstood at times. I didn’t have confidence; I had self-doubt. I was struggling through depression and anxiety, and my self-deprecating humor should have lightened the mood, but it didn’t because I tend to be taken seriously when I am joking. I am not taken seriously when I am achieving things and making positive contributions.
There never was anything wrong with me. We all have flaws and shortcomings, and some of us are showing to the world, in many different ways, that we are working on them. And for some reason, that still isn’t enough!
Sorry for my passion, but this post has become one of those posts for venting, for catharsis… which was originally kind of the point of this blog too. 🙂
I hope I made my case to you, Fellow Warrior, to take a chance on me. Because I am that person who is constantly trying and willing to improve and change. This entire blog of 200 articles (I believe this is the big 200!) is about CHANGE.
I embody self-reflection and change in everything. Sometimes, there are things that don’t change even if you are fighting for it. But you are still fighting. And that is what matters. That is what counts the most.
It will always be hard, and I will always relapse at times.
But the improvement I have made, especially with controlling my OCD without any healthcare or treatment, is mind-boggling and phenomenal, and I have to pat myself on the back for that. It is simply incredible, proving what heights I could reach if I just had healthcare, the opportunity, and the mental health support network of people who genuinely cared about me.
I am convinced that some people beyond core family members (those in my friendship and professional networks) chose to withhold any moral support or guidance because they could see the mountains I could climb and where I could go if I just got a little lift.
And sadly, it is clear they are happier with me at the bottom of the mountain. This will hurt me, but it won’t stop me from continuing the fight and the journey for change.
“The reason there will be no change is because the people who stand to lose from change have all the power, and the people who stand to gain from change have none of the power.” – Machievelli
I have been and will remain defiant of my “invisibility” and the injustice in my life.
However, I will continue to defy, by continuing to show up and show the receipts that I am more and I deserve better.
I deserve more. Success will be my vengeance, as I shared in this article: https://medium.com/@elsatalatkhwaja/your-success-can-be-your-ultimate-vengeance-5656d6d11f67?sk=7656e76c94c1d9010c7203305178f5e1
But I know there are so many complex factors as to why belonging and inclusion could make it harder for people to take a chance on me. People need me to constantly be proving myself to them. It’s called the “prove-it-again” bias against women of color, as I share in the article above, and it doesn’t just occur in the workplace.
I shared the video above because it is a moment of vulnerability and authenticity. I am so happy, praise be to Allah, that I developed a habit of listening back on my videos on YouTube and Instagram with Compassion. I don’t cringe anymore. I am certain others do. I know it.
But I am proud of showing up and giving myself compassion. That’s another big change in my life. That compassion for myself is what will continue to make me a better communicator, speaker, and educator, inshallah in 2025 and beyond.
And it will continue to allow me to nurture my authenticity and compassion for others.
Practice compassion for yourself in everything you do.
Record yourself and even if you don’t post it anywhere, watch it. Watch it with compassion. If you post it, don’t let yourself cringe when you watch it over again in a public platform, don’t worry about the negative onlookers. I have videos from before I started my channel when I was trying to shoot, and I watch them back. It should be painful, but I choose compassion for those too.
Show mercy, love, and compassion. Shed some tears for that person you see in the video. She is human. She is alive. You are alive watching her. You are her. She is you.
I have grown to love my big nose and buck teeth. The main physical features that I used to get bullied as a child, during school days. This is not narcissism. This is self-empowerment. This is self-love. This is taking your power back. You earned it.
And when you show more compassion for yourself, you will be able to embrace it even more for others. Even those who choose hate instead of love, who choose fixed instead of growth mindsets. They are human too.
Love will be abundant, and you will be able to give so much of it to the world. Whether they are willing to take it from you or not, it is not your concern. It will always be there.
But you must also be willing to accept your role in this life… that you will always be giving, more than taking. And this will hurt. But the acceptance will free you.
This is part of that Inward Revolution. You are changing, my sister.
You are changing, not because you did something wrong and have to change. Not even because a broken system or societal bias deems you an outcast because of your ailments or because you reveal those societal illnesses and biases for easing the challenges, only receiving more pushback.
You are changing because you are meant to always be better. You are changing because you always deserved better.
We all make mistakes. But we deserve a chance to move forward, heal, and be at peace.
You are changing.
Even when you are still on the bottom of a mountain. Subhanallah, you are changing your stars. And you can keep changing. That’s how you will get back up and reach that peak again. The stars were always there to welcome you. You just need to climb forward and break off the chains from the past.
Only you can do that. No one will carry you. You must save yourself.
I have been depressed with everything that is happening in the world, but I am choosing to be hopeful, both at the personal and collective level, for change.
Because we need HOPE.
And no matter how long “the struggle” takes, whatever we are struggling with, I choose to be hopeful, I choose to believe that things can, must, and will change.
Hold onto whatever thread of hope you have and pull yourself up... don’t let anyone cut that string, or pull you down. Every single human being who believes in positive social change, for the dignity, freedom, and justice of all people, is needed in this world.
Do not give up. You are needed.
You changed…you are changing… and you will change.
And I just need you to know that I changed, am changing, and will continue to change. I hope that you will come with me.
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I know this is one of my more brutally honest, long articles, a little bit of stream of consciousness, but there will be times I reserve this blog for that necessary catharsis. I am excited to share with you another positive change, a new newsletter I just started last week: Sword Dispatch: The WkQ Letters.
There, I plan to curate and summarize some key points from my longer essays, articles, and poetry that I share here in this space. This will allow me to keep this space raw and authentic while trying to build an audience on Substack, a space where more writers convene these days.
You can learn more about it in my launch post here: https://sworddispatch.substack.com/p/introducing-sword-dispatch-the-wkq
I’ll try to do a more formal introduction to the newsletter, in another post next month!
Happy Women’s History Month. Happy Ramadan.
I hope this month, this year, continues to be a year of hope, change, and inward revolution, all necessary for the outward revolution.
In Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister, Dr. Elsa
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
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