Fadhkuroonee adhkurkum.
“So remember Me; I will remember you.”
Surah Al-Baqarah (2:152)
Dear Fellow Warrior,
I must begin this post by asking for your forgiveness. It has been some time since I have last written to you.
But I promise, I had a good reason for my absence.
I was immersed in my inward revolution during Ramadan, as you knew, and then came a surprise visit to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, the heart of the Ultimate Revolution…
…Islam.
I was blessed with an opportunity to perform the Pilgrimage to Makkah, (the lesser pilgrimage called Umrah) thanks to my little brother, and my parents’ plans and intentions. My brother and I surprised my parents! They, along with most people I knew, even my social media network, had absolutely no clue that I was traveling to the Kingdom. It was a great surprise!
I could sense it was being divinely orchestrated, with all the signs telling me that I needed to accept my brother’s offer. One of the signs at that very moment was re-reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X. It happened to be the 60th anniversary of his death, on the very day I confirmed it with my brother: Yes, let’s do it.
I wrote a Medium piece about it HERE.
It has now been precisely three weeks since I returned from the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and my return has been challenged with a lot of overwhelming emotions and reflections. So this is just to begin the process of sharing, and I believe many reflections will continue for weeks and months…
In some ways, I am still coming back from that space. In some ways, I know I didn’t want to return. But I am here now, wishing I was still there, and not here.
It was indeed an incredible, remarkable, special moment in my life.
From my last two posts here, the Ramadan Prayer (which I brought with me to KSA), and some reflections on the notion of CHANGE, it was pretty clear that I have been desperately seeking changes in my life for a long period.
I wrote about some personal observations and reflections connected to my relationship with Islam in the following Medium pieces:
Reflectivity in Solitude: A Ramadan Confession
The Night When I “Quit Smoking”
As the Hadith Qudsi goes, if you take one step to Allah, he takes 10 steps to you.
“Whoever draws near to Me a handspan, I draw near to him an arm’s length. Whoever draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.” – Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) Hadith Qudsi, Sahih al-Bukhari (Hadith 7405)
So this was that opportunity for some real change. And that opportunity for change is still unfolding for me, because the impact of such a journey doesn’t happen overnight… as I continue to reflect on that full experience, with the strong yearning and desire to know and learn more. That yearning itself is an extremely overwhelming feeling as well.
We embraced six blessed nights in Madinah to give salaam to our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and pray at his (pbuh) Mosque, Masjid an-Nawabi.
After 6 nights and getting into the state of Ihram (a state of purity and humility necessary before travels to the Holy Kaabah to perform the Umrah), we then completed the pilgrimage to Makkah. This was the “lesser pilgrimage,” but it still held great reward at the end of Ramadan and on Eid Day, and it remains a significant moment in a Muslim’s life. As I said, I never thought I would experience this until much later in my life.
There is still so much I had aspired to say and write, and I had already shared quite a bit on social media. Still, it was not even a scratch of everything I wanted to write about. Some of what I shared is and will be transferred to my blogs. I needed these stories and words to be on my blogs as well. I also needed to break the perfectionism paralysis I was feeling about writing about this experience and my other pending work. This blog always helps me with that.
But I am still so happy I jotted down several reflections in my journal, and across social media when I returned, especially in the first week. I also took a lot of what I call, as a qualitative researcher, “field notes,” while I was there, on the plane ride back, and then in my journal and on social media upon return. I translated most of those observations and reflections on social media and in my journal, to a word document. That word document is now nearly 60 pages long (with some pictures). And still it feels incomplete. Certainly, it feels like one indicator of how important this experience was to me.
I wrote one set of reflections on Facebook the day after my return, HERE. I just remember that entire day, precisely three weeks ago, on April 4th, I was crying….all day… tears that I could not cry when I approached the Kaabah for the first time, and tears that came out for the special, precious, rare moments I had with my little brother and parents.
Those particular reflections are also shared below at the end of this post, because I feel I need to be as close to those reflections as possible, so I can hang on to that moment. With respect to how fast everything in life goes, it’s so hard to keep up, and it’s hard to be able to really take in these types of moments, without feeling that you have to just let go and move forward to the next thing on your life.
No one will understand your spiritual reawakening, no one will value it as much as you will, and you need to be able to process it all in your pace. You get to enjoy and share the moment as you find appropriate for yourself and potentially meaningful for others who share the same feelings about such experiences as you do. You can still move forward with everything you are doing, and keep these moments fresh… take them with you. And that’s what I intend to keep doing.
I believe I stopped sharing on social media, even when I still had so many pictures and stories to share from the experience, because I felt something negative in the air. A familiar evil eye, or negative vibe from somewhere. It’s always there for everything I share on the internet. Normally, I push through it and post anyway. But this time I couldn’t because these moments were just too special, and I didn’t want the silence and evil eye I often get from social media, whenever I share my international travels, or travels anywhere, to ruin those particular memories for me.
I also warned and prepared myself and even alerted others about the importance of taming the evil eye, but there is so much you can do when it’s that powerful. You cannot control others; you can only control your reaction, and that’s still something I am learning. I am proud of my progress on that.
This experience was just way too special. Still, I didn’t and don’t want to be dictated by the effects of negative onlookers. It puts a damper on your experiences, and I hate the control it has over our actions on what we choose to share with the world. This is the courage we must nurture. Normally, I do have it, but for this, maybe it was a signal from Allah to hold on and be patient or just to guard those experiences.
Nevertheless, I will be creating an album of the entire experience in the KSA, on Facebook, since it was my first time visiting Saudi Arabia, and my first pilgrimage to Makkah. So I hope to share that in the future posts.
Overall, I didn’t expect a complete transformation, a total “Inward Revolution” from this trip experience, that I aspired for…My sister reminded me before the trip to not have expectations.
But I cannot say that I came back as the same person. There were some relapses after the first week back, which I was starting to notice, but I wanted to hold on to that memory for as long as I could. I do that through writing.
And what I have experienced is more than enough for the effort to keep building the momentum towards the person, the Muslim, the scholar, that I have always aspired to become.
How did it feel to embrace the Kaabah, the House of God for the first time? I hope to share the stories from there in more detail in another post, inshallah. The reflections upon return (shared in the link above and at the end of this post) describe a little of that surreal feeling as well.
Here was the EID POST that I shared on Social Media.
It was the last night of Ramadan and the morning of Eid that we performed the Umrah.
It was surreal…Here is what I wrote online when giving my Eid Greetings on social media, describing what I just witnessed and experienced:
“Subhannallah it’s real, my dear brothers and sisters. All of it… It’s real… that “Main niyyat karti hoon,….., mu taraf Ka’abah Sharif ke, waaste Allah Ta’ala ke.”… that “I make the intention to pray …. in the direction of the House of Allah”… that intention before every prayer …. It’s not some fairy tail. It’s not a legend.
It’s real. it’s real… subhannallah…you always knew… you always had such a powerful feeling in the heart… but it’s so different beyond all the literature you read and study… beyond all the signs you are given… when you meet the baytAllah… Allah’s “Home”…. so profoundly magnificent and breathtaking when you arrive in Al-Haram. In Masjid-Al-Haram. Allahu Akbar.
And I’m deeply saddened that I do not have the vocabulary I need to describe this moment… of how it felt to finally see the Ka’abah for the first time in my life….the House of Allah(swt). And then to be so close to it… and then, because of my brother Sabih, may God reward him, through the large, brutal crowds, to bring me all the way up to it…to be able to put my hand on it, and say Allahu Akbar. And To actually see the raised footprints of Abraham… a sight I pray never fades from my memory… inshallah..
And it still all feels like a dream. May Allah give me the ability to write what’s in my heart in due time.”
I still don’t feel I have the vocabulary to describe such an experience. To be that close to the Prophet’s grave (pbuh) in Madinah and then to walk around the Kaabah and embrace all that history, where it all began…
Indeed, when you encounter the reality of your faith, in person, everything does change. Everything has to change. And it is okay that you desperately want it to. Because change like that comes from having the intention and strong desire for transformation in your heart.
That was indeed part of the revolutionary experience that Malcolm X felt in his first encounter with Makkah as well. I have to mention him because of what I shared earlier, a moment of divine providence while reading his Autobiography, to have received my brother’s invitation for Umrah.
It was hard not to post about it until I arrived to Madinah. I’m usually not “the surprise”… I’m an open book, especially about my travels. But it turned out to be a lovely surprise for my parents, and the most beautiful experience with Ammi, Abu, and my little brother Sabih…Alhamdulillah.
May Allah(swt) reward Sabih for gifting his sister this necessary, transformational journey. Mashallah, I truly appreciate his invitation, generosity, guidance, and heart more than words can express.
And may all our prayers be answered…from Madinah to Makkah, and everything in between …during our revolutionary travels in the blessed lands during Ramadan and Eid of 2025… the prayers we uttered in tears, in sujood, during tawaf… in silence.
Inshallah, even the duahs that couldn’t be articulated because of the overwhelming sensations of being present in these blessed, holy spaces.
I can’t express how much gratitude I feel for being called to this journey, something I didn’t expect to happen at this time of my life…
I’m with gratitude to my family who helped make it special. And to those who feel joy in their hearts for others, especially for the spiritual moments… I appreciate you.
SubhanAllah, Umrah was the most extraordinary, exhilarating, breathtaking, thrilling experience of my life. And to have shared it with my family… mashallah… truly precious and immeasurable. I especially want to stay in Madinah forever.
I really couldn’t believe that I was just a few hours away from my parent’s homeland, Pakistan. From my extended family, whom I miss so much. That I haven’t seen for over 6 years. This was the first time I had traveled internationally for a couple years, and definitely over 6 years since I returned from my doctoral fieldwork in Pakistan.
Couldn’t believe, after being in “quarantine life” for so long.. that I was so close to Pakistan. So close to Afghanistan. So close to Palestine. And yet, I had to return to America, a country that has proven itself to be the most dangerous in the world.
On the plane ride there and back, I wore the shawl my big sister gifted me…The one that traveled with me all over Pakistan during my doctoral fieldwork.
Now, it’s been to Madinah and Makkah too. Alhumdullilah.
After our final tawaf, our farewell walk around the Ka’abah, I lost my Palestine flag scarf just outside Al Masjid Al Haram when we were being crushed by large crowds. It was meant to be.
But Alhumdulillah, I found the other one in my suitcase…the one I shaded in myself with an expo marker (significance connected to Dr. Refaat Al Areer)…All the space on the map that belongs to Palestine.
I write a lot about “belonging,” as you know. I have more writings on that to come. And while I continue to trust Allah’s will…I just know this much...the heart belongs on this side of the world…
As close as possible to the heart of the Revolution…
As Audre Lorde reminds us, “Revolution is not a one-time event.”
And so…the Inward Revolution continues.
Among the greatest tests …. that Ramadan always is:
How we maintain the momentum…And among the many lessons that are clearer now than ever: the noise around us will always be a major obstacle to achieving our inward revolution.
I’ll share a post about how I saw that manifest in Madinah and Makkah.
But ultimately, you know what must be said?
“Once you go Makkah, you can’t go Bakkah…”
{This is a layered pun, I am not sure anyone got this on social media when I shared it. But it was derived from that one saying (once you go black, you can’t go back), and Bakkah was the former name of Makkah. Additionally, it refers to not going back to the ways of the past, moving forward with that change connected to improving our relationship with Allah.}
There’s no turning back after an experience like this … once you’ve tasted that reality…even an ounce of that truth…
It’s the Inward Revolution all the way!
May Allah (swt) always remain in my heart and in my mind… in all that I do, in all that I am. And may the same be true for all who desire it….
Ya Rabb, keep us close.
Please let us not forget….that the “expression” of our faith, our love for Allah, is not “imposition.” Let us not surrender to the fear that colonialism and white supremacy planted in the hearts and minds… and continues to plant around the world…that manifests in our reluctancy, for the sake of “proximity”…
That fear meant to destroy our languages, our religion, our authenticity. We carry that legacy, but we must rewrite the story en masse…
Our choice to express our love for Allah is integral for the efforts towards decolonization.
I will write a separate post about another particular transformation that came from that experience, and then share some other stories and reflections in the coming weeks.
I already shared this on social media, but I believes it deserves an entire separate blog post, and I am also preparing another more comprehensive essay for another publication. This particular transformation was something that I knew was coming, but I didn’t expect to come so soon. The next few blog posts will give you the scoop!
I also have so much more to write, but I needed to break the perfectionism paralysis I was feeling. It will all come together, inshallah.
And I hope to share other relevant essays that might be published in other publications, based on this experience. Perhaps this experience can finally rid me of that imposter syndrome connected to getting my work published in other outlets, particularly in the mainstream.
I hope that can be one of the prayers that Allah(swt) answers soon.
Thank you for reading and valuing my voice and story.
I just want to end by saying that everyone has their own unique journey and experiences and you should cherish that. Never compare your journey with faith to others, and never impose it on others either. Hope to expand on this in the future posts as we continue these important conversations.
These were just some initial reflections, I hope to share more soon. Forgive me if the writing is a little rough here. Similar to my social media posts, I may keep some of my posts raw and rough going forward, here on my personal blog, to help with the reflexivity, catharsis, and self-apprenticeship.
Please do come back and thank you for staying with me on my journey of self-empowerment, transformation, and the inward and outward revolution.
Warm Salaams, Peace, Solidarity, and Blessings,
Your Sister, Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for Sword.” – Atticus
Excerpt from my reflections after return from first Pilgrimage to Makkah, April 3, 2025:
Bismillah… I woke up today with a heavy heart. Wondering where I was…where I am now… A burning sensation radiated from the chest and throughout my entire body. It was partly the grief of returning from what now seems to have been a dream.
An unfathomable reality in my life… I did not want to end. Of leaving behind something I wasn’t ready to take in, and wasn’t ready to leave. Something that felt like “home” in a way no place ever has before, especially with all my challenges to “Belonging,” as I have shared in the past.
Even amid the hustle and bustle of what has become a highly westernized city, and the chaos of millions performing Umrah during Ramadan, in record high numbers, the lesser pilgrimage, connected to the fifth pillar of Islam: Hajj.
Madinah felt like Mercy, forgiveness, rehabilitation, recovery and healing. While Makkah honored an epic confirmation of the absolute truth too often suppressed within the soul…. Al-Haqq.
And now, I am here. Back from the “Ultimate Jamaat” …to my solitude. To what I often call, my “Prison,” a place where I have felt stuck and in complete paralysis.
Back in a place that doesn’t emulate the same level of light and softness, the same call to remember. The same level of Taqwa. Back into my own “Jahiliyyah,” I desperately prayed I would not return to… the misery, the pain, the angst of alienation…
I did expect a return to my “Jahiliyyah.”
But… even as I am “here” physically…mashallah, I am still in Madinah. I am still in Makkah.
I spent the entire first day back, writing in my journal, my reflections, or at least what I feel…I needed to write it all down… over 25 handwritten pages, beyond the many pages I wrote on the plane ride back… and I still have so much more pouring out of me…some amazing reflections fleeting…that I cannot seem to document as fast as they are appearing in my mind…
I wrote…
As I drank the best coffee I have ever tasted in my life, from the KSA, which my brother bought for me and introduced to me…
As I prayed and read Quran for the first time upon return from the holiest cities in the world… there hasn’t been a moment that I have stopped shedding tears…
Tears that were suppressed when I first raised my head… and the eyes were graced by the sight of the Holy Ka’abah, the House of God….overwhelmed by the emotions of being there, while watching people around me crying… wondering why I was not crying too… wondering if I wasn’t properly taking in that moment… since tears were not shedding…
But I cry now… what seems to be endless tears…
This couldn’t have been a dream, as I knelt down to pray today, and felt the pain on my knees, lifting my clothes only to see the bruises on my knees that must have emerged from praying consistently on the marble at Al-Majid Al-Nawabi in Madinah.
As I unpack, I hold my clothes from Umrah, from that state of ihram, that I did not wash, up to my nose and subhannallah, I can still smell Madinah and Makkah. It almost feels impossible to wash all my clothing drenched with perspiration from the scorching heat, of 100+ degrees Fahrenheit, from these blessed cities.
Indeed, this couldn’t have been a dream, as I haven’t been able to stop the tears from flowing from my eyes today, and even as I write this to you, my dear brothers and sisters, with trembling body and hands on this keyboard.
I knew that Umrah wouldn’t “fix” everything. I was preparing my heart for that, upon return. I didn’t expect some overnight transformation. But I did hope to come back more whole than before…and subhannallah, it is quite possible I did. You only know with time. May Allah protect us.
But how… How can you not change your life, after such an experience like this? How can you go back to how things were for you before? After walking around the Ka’abah 7 times. After touching the Ka’abah with your whole hand… After being so close to our Prophet (pbuh)?
How can you not be forced to change everything about you that needs to change? Or at least make a stronger effort than ever before?
We must remember, that the impact of Revolution, both inward and outward, is felt and seen over time. Just as the Quran was revealed over two decades.
I may have imagined the whole spiritual awakening I have longed for a long time, and desperately aspired for, especially this past Ramadan, a little differently than this.. but I respect that even such a change must involve great sabr, great patience.
Nevertheless, to have experienced such immense growth in soul, mind, and heart, in a matter of days, can only be attributed to the divine miracle from meeting and actually touching the House of God… with your whole hand…
5 fingers… 5 pillars…5 prayers… Alhumdullilah… such divine serendipitous synchronicity… it is no coincidence… Allahu Akbar.
And this ache, this yearning, this burning pain, this strong desire, especially to know and understand more, to increase my knowledge about the absolute truth, must mean that something has cracked open for me….
Something profound and inexplicable … is growing inside…
Maybe that is where the work must continue…or begin… especially “when the iron is hot.”
Maybe this is Allah saying, it is time, Elsa… to come to Me.
Transformation isn’t just a moment in time. It is a process. It is a journey. It is a decision and a conscious effort one must keep making, with the guidance of Allah, and His Messenger (pbuh).
It is every morning when I greet the glorious sun. It is every prayer. It is every evening when I give my salaam to the magnificent moon. Every moment I remember I was there.
I was there. I was there. Subhannallah, I was there… walking the very streets of our Beloved Rasul Allah. I was there near him, (pbuh), our dear prophet, said to be Alive in his grave.
My role as a vicegerent unfolds…. I am not behind. I am becoming. Subhannallah, I am becoming.
The Pilgrimage, even the lesser form, can act as the Catalyst of what was already present in your heart.
And you are not late. You are right on time.
Our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) achieved his prophethood at age 40. And it took over two decades for the Quran to be revealed to him (pbuh). It was perfectly, divinely timed. It was right on time for him (pbuh). And that to me has felt so incredibly symbolic in so many ways… for my own journey at this time.
As I always say, it is never too late to change your stars, to rewrite your story.
All these years, I refused to let myself believe that this was precisely what was missing in my story….
I don’t quite know where to start… where to go from these revelations… But this journey isn’t about perfection, it is about knowing your purpose.
And It is perhaps that very pursuit of perfection, if not harnessed properly, gracefully, with patience, that can push you off the path that you were always meant to be on… I know that pursuit of perfection in Islam was partly what made me run away at times…
The world around you may never welcome your spiritual awakening, may even resent you for it. That always happened to the greatest revolutionaries, including our dear Prophet (pbuh). Including our brother Malcolm X when he returned from Hajj and so many others. It happened to me at the early stage of my life. I asked Allah those days in Makkah and Medinah to remove the buree nazar that had been on me since that moment when I first “declared my vicegerency” to Allah, while in high school. But perhaps that has and always will continue to be among my greatest tests to remain steadfast on this path.
AllahuAlem.
What I do know is how I felt… and what I feel now… Subhannallah.
And I don’t ever want to lose it.
Maybe this is enough for today. More than enough.
Tomorrow, if Allah blesses me with a Tomorrow, as He has, thus far, I will continue to rewrite that story, in the pursuit of a permanent vicegerency of Allah.
Islam was the Revolution. Islam is the Revolution.
And the Revolution continues…
Because Islam has the answers. It always did.
And there is a very good reason why it remains the fastest growing religion in the world.
I just want to remind others not to compare your spiritual journey with others, especially your authentic journey with faith. Please remember your journey to the Divine, is yours alone. And it is a beautiful story that you deserve to embrace whole-heartedly.
The jihad is always marked by the world telling you in diverse ways that you are not enough. Not good enough. Not Muslim enough. But we must never forget that no one can take your Islam away from you. Just as no one can take away your education. No one can erase your love for Allah.
They will try.
May Allah ease our suffering, our jihad, and help us embrace revolutionary love for one another. This Love that is for the sake of Allah, is one epic kind of revolutionary love.
These words remain incomplete. And it always will feel incomplete…
But There is a profound love for Allah, and love for the sake of Allah, that I feel I have suppressed for too long. And I have taken steps towards Allah, and I feel Him everywhere in a way I have never before.
It is so beautiful and painful, and incredible, subhannallah. I wonder if you are feeling Him too.
How can we not embrace such love for each other, for the sake of Allah, such revolutionary love, such mercy and forgiveness, after being blessed with such a moment….
Alhumdullilah, It is a love that transcends distance, differences, space and time. It is a love that I no longer can suppress within me. May Allah forgive me if this is a weakness, and if I am unable to harness it for the good.
The last 10 days of Ramadan spent in the heart of Revolution, I did more prayers for everyone I have known than I ever have in my life, both Muslim and people of other faiths. And I prayed for justice and peace, for the American Revolution, a change in the political apparatus to become more socially inclusive of all people from all walks of life, which is precisely what we witness during the Pilgrimage.
For the rest of the month of April, the month of Shawwal, a time of celebration and renewal, I will try to share some photos and videos and more reflections from my experience in the blessed cities of Madinah and Makkah during Ramadan. This is usually the time, sharing my travels on social media, when people snooze or delete me, but I appreciate those with open hearts and minds, who follow my captures and words, with positive emotions in the heart. Inshallah, I hope to share more comprehensive blog pieces and articles about the revolutionary experience.
May Allah forgive me and all of us, for our shortcomings, and keep us close to Him… Ameen.
Indeed, I woke up this morning for a strong sense of gratitude and longing for “more.” May this yearning for knowledge acquisition, and for the love of Allah, never cease.
I must close, for the time, with some of my favorite duahs.
Rabbi Zidni Ilmaa. May Allah increase me in knowledge.
And… Ya Allah, I love you, I need you. Please come into my heart.
Uhibb al-Islam…Uhibbu Allah.
Allahu Akbar.
Jazakhallah, thank you for reading this post.
Forgive me for the length, for my mistakes, for my transgressions, and for my emotions.
With warm salams, peace, blessings, and love,
In Solidarity, Your sister, Dr. Elsa
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