“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
– Mark Twain
Dear Fellow Warrior,
One of the greatest obstacles to the Inward Revolution is pursuing and seeking forgiveness in your life.
The featured photo is another Arabic calligraphy piece I completed a few weeks ago, after returning from the Pilgrimage.
I shared this on social media, and I thought to share some reflections here as well.
The Arabic Transliteration: Astaghfirullah.
It translates to “I seek forgiveness from Allah.”
I’ve been trying to write a blog post on forgiveness since I first started the Warrior KQueen blog 9 years ago. And it’s still sitting there. A draft.
Just like the concept of forgiveness itself… too often unfinished, ongoing, difficult.
Because my last several pieces have touched on this concept a bit, with respect to coming to terms with the lack of care and abandonment that I have experienced, more so in recent years, when people have the knowledge that I could use some support.
I hope to share that piece with you in the near future, as I continue the work on my internal Jihad. I am proud of the progress I am making on my inward revolution, but it remains a slippery slope. And that’s okay. I am making the effort, and that is what matters.
What I will honor myself for is how strong I am, and how much character I have demonstrated, because nobody I know will ever credit me for it. They will focus on the negative, my expression of my truth, my disappointment and pain, and dismiss all the positive efforts. That is how it always works.
It is pretty incredible, despite all the ailments, connected to personal livelihood, health, mental health, and well-being especially, how much I have forgiven individual people and shown grace and respect.
To find it in my heart, to even try to forgive people in my life, who still continue to show disrespect, prioritize egos, competition, and their petty jealousies over recognizing that their colleague and friend could use their help for something as simple as helping her get back on her own two feet to put some food on the table.
When people know you need work, and know you are incredibly qualified for work, and one point even willing to work for free… normally a good friend or colleague would help.
But as I shared in the last post, people “othered” me instead, and I know for some people, it was because of the political climate. I express my politics openly about social justice and human rights, against the mainstream political views, as well as share struggles openly about suicide prevention and mental health.
This bigotry I have experienced at the most difficult time of my life, is something I can never forget and I don’t think it can be forgiven.
Not a single soul was willing to help or even just willing to show support in any way.
You see your friend is a scholar, a writer, and an artist, and you can’t even engage her work, share her writings or suggest publications she could work at or contribute to…You can’t even show support when she shares her work on social media. You will engage others, but not her, because she “needs” it.
This is the product of neoliberal capitalism. It is a system that shames and silences struggle, especially that which is connected to socio-economic struggle.
It has been nearly two years now that people in my networks have known that I have been in the job market. That I had to leave because I experienced serious DEI challenges as a white-dominated neoliberal institution.
They have been seeing you “trying.”
And you asked for people to support you. To engage you, to show you that they care. And their response was nothing. They confirm they don’t care… they confirmed they don’t care unless there is something conventional that they can gain from you.
The hurt I feel is so profound. How can you forgive something like this, when your own colleagues and friends have invisibilized your accomplishments and intellectual merit?
It is so unfair. It is not right. You have to call this what it is. It is social injustice.
And it is so unforgivable.
Amazingly, I am working on forgiveness and encouraging collaboration over competition, while others keep being competitive, envious, and jealous of any output I share with the world, when they clearly aren’t the ones who are facing challenges with basic needs of survival.
I find it intriguing that the ones most committed to practicing forgiveness and doing the internal work are often not those who truly need to seek it from people.
They are the ones who deserve apologies from the world.
They are doing the hard work.
And still, the world shows them no mercy.
Instead, since you are the one working on forgiveness, asking for mercy, asking for forgiveness, you must have done something wrong.
I am the one who deserves an apology. Yet sometimes, it seems like I was the only one trying to grow, move forward, and work on forgiveness.
And they resent you for that.
As Muslims, we trust that Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim, the Most Merciful, the All-Knowing, does show us mercy… Especially for the hearts that have been significantly harmed, seeking mercy from Allah.
Forgiveness is not easy. It never has been.
That is why, as Muslims, we forgive for the sake of Allah (swt). Because of our love for Him.
“Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you?” – Qur’an 24:22
We forgive so we can be free.
And sometimes, we ask forgiveness from Allah not just for our mistakes… but for needing time.
Time to heal, to forgive, and to let go.
Astaghfirullah.
I am not ready yet. I need more time. That is what I have been telling myself.
I don’t know how to forgive people. And do I really need to. Can I just be upset and just leave it there. Can I just accept that I am the villain in their story, because they hurt me, and I expressed it? Just the notion that you have a legitimate grievance against people makes you the villain in their minds.
I never understood how that works. But it is clear to me that they will never engage you once you figure them out, even by expressing it indirectly on your blog.
Still with all the struggles endured and time that has elapsed, I need more time. Perhaps I took advantage of the time I had, assuming that I had more of it. Maybe it is not worth losing any more time.
Because we never know how much time we have left in this short life.
Perhaps it is okay to forgive yourself, but not necessarily forget. But then we have to know precisely what it means to forgive and what it means to forget. Because it might feel like you need to forgive in order to forget. And if you don’t want to forget, you cannot forgive.
Have I confused you yet? Don’t mind me, at this point, it looks like I am rambling. But I am writing to free myself of this pain at this moment, I am writing to understand and to find answers. I want to finish that draft on forgiveness, or continue this discussion in another post, another time.
*****
I’m noticing how my Arabic calligraphy is evolving, just as I am, with my inward revolution.
I like it on the Abstract. It tells another story. And with this phrase, Astaghfirullah, the Abstract works.
I’m glad I held back on the dark purple metallic spheres. Just enough for the softness, balance, and the ultimate effect I was aiming for.
*****
If you need time, it is okay, but sometimes it is important to remember that you can only control what’s in your mind and heart. It is easier said than done. But you are the bigger person. You are the better person.
If you need more time, you are keeping yourself a prisoner. Take your time, but know you may never get the closure that will allow you to forgive.
They will never change. And they will never change their fixed mindset about you. There are other ways you can resist. Keep fighting and get back on your two feet without their help. You don’t need their validation, nor support. Let everything you share be an act of resistance.
You can invisibilize them just as they have invisibilized you.
Azaadi, freedom, has always been what you are after.
Free yourselves from those who have harmed you, and who will never stop harming you.
Let yourself be the villain in their story. Free yourself and fly… keep doing everything. You are letting them stop you. You are letting them win. But you can still regain control. And you can choose now. It’s never too late to choose yourself.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
— Lewis B. Smedes
Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister, Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
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