Dear Fellow Warrior,
It is true that people think there must be something wrong with you, something you did wrong, because you need to be heard, because you need to express your pain, because you expressed a challenge or a struggle or some harm or injustice done to you or to others.
This isn’t just present in institutional and systemic biases in academic and workplaces, this is present across all our social dynamics.
When you speak out about being bullied, when you express a concern, when you speak out about having a tough time finding work, when you speak out about being depressed or struggling, or when you get upset because your friends and family are watching you, but can’t even hit the “like” button on your social media posts, blogs and newsletters and art because they know it would actually help you, because their egos can’t stand the idea that it could mean just a little tiny dopamine hit for their friend, someone who they know to be struggling for a long time, to have just a little encouragement, positive reinforcement, to help her during a tough prolonged transition in life.
They see your potential. And they can’t let you harness that in any way, at all, because you staying in the darkness would ensure that you never see your true potential.
In their minds, they label you as the “complainer,” or the “negative person” or even “toxic.” They do this, when you are the one trying to survive and navigate the toxicity, trauma, injustice, neglect and abandonment.
When you are always open to the “power of conversation,” a signature phrase in all your writings and spoken word, especially when you talk about mental health, and consider everything you share on the topic an invitation to have a conversation.
When they deprive you of conversations and communication that could ease your suffering, and make you face that pain alone in the long term, because they need their comfort and peace in the short term. And because they cannot possibly face the truth that their actions or inactions, their silence, contributed in any way to the sustained suffering of their friend or loved one. Because they refuse to take any accountability.
Because watching Netflix was more important than sending a text to check in with their suicidal friend, knowing she’s been fighting this her whole life. Because it’s easier to excuse yourself for being a bad friend, when you turn the other cheek, and continue to believe it is on the person who is suffering to reach out to you. Because that would mean triggering your own suffering and you don’t actually care about the others. And then if they mention your neglect in any direct or indirect way, it’s considered them attacking you, rather than expressing a legit concern.
Rather than you taking a second to be a good person, a good friend and actually reflect and understand.
Yeah, there is always something wrong with that woman of color who thinks she deserves better from life.
And definitely wrong when she demands it or tries hard to fix it.
You label her needy, attention-seeking, too sensitive, too much, too extra, damaged goods, and what… anything else?
I contend that the ongoing and worsened stigma on Mental Health is truly the travesty of neoliberal capitalism and the travesty of cowardice.
In a Democratic socialist society, with a true emphasis on community and social welfare, a woman of color with my level of accomplishments and qualifications would have been helped by her colleagues, friends, and professors when she reached out to them or told them directly, or posted it on her social media that she was forced out of white dominated organization after being severely bullied, at a time this was happening at such a grand scale across so many organizations post-Pandemic (I shared the data before and am publishing an article about this which contains that data).
I watched the liberals in my networks on Linkedin show empathy towards USAID and federal workers who lost their jobs, and zero empathy for someone they know, among so many other women who faced DEI challenges under racist white-dominated neoliberal institutions.
And it confirmed to me, why none of my contacts in DC helped me in 2021 when I came back to DC, because I publicly advocated against the Democratic Party, against the Presidential Candidate that turned out to be exactly who I said he was, a Genocidal war hawk, who now belongs in jail at the Hague.
No matter how you felt, the well-being and personal or professional support of your colleagues, who you know are talented and deserve opportunities, should not in any way, shape, or form be connected to their political orientation.
That is 100% social and professional discrimination.
And I know I faced that from my own networks.
Wrote this stream of consciousness for a necessary ongoing need for catharsis.
There is a difference between caring so much about what people think of you, which at a certain point you just don’t give a rat’s arse, and processing hurt from those who you once cared so much about, who just refused to support you in the most difficult time of your life, those who couldn’t even offer the bare minimum of engagement on facebook for initiatives they undoubtedly would show great support, only if you were somebody, anybody else.
Yeah, as a suicide survivor especially, I cannot forget that, and I don’t have to. I always deserved better, and I will always deserve better…
This was originally post on Facebook last week. I wanted to keep it raw and unfiltered and unedited for my personal blog here.
I realize that some of the content I post here might be heavier or more passionate than others, but that is okay. What I am trying to do now is shift from writing on Facebook, to writing here, on my blog, because either way, your writing is not always read by those who should read your words.
I do have to keep some content raw, real, and authentic. Because that is what this place stands for. Because And because I cannot be silenced and I deserve to be heard. But I also know that I may never be heard. Writing must continue to serve as my survival. Especially when communication and conversation has been cut off.
Thank you for reading, even when things get a little more passionate and heavy.
Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister,
Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
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