“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is Now.” – Chinese Proverb
Dear Fellow Warrior,
Happy September and Happy National Suicide Prevention Month.
I hope to write more on Suicide Prevention Month in a future post.
For the moment, I wanted to share something with you.
Please check out the 6th edition of my newsletter, The Qualitative Inquisition, here:
Reflexivity: An Indispensable Tool for Self-Awareness in Qualitative Inquiry (substack.com)
If it wasn’t obvious enough, “Reflexivity” is a topic I care deeply about, and one of my favorite topics in qualitative research methods.
While I was working on getting this newsletter done this past week, I was reflecting on something else.
Well, I am always reflecting every day, but I hit a critical light bulb this time.
I’ve spent my entire life feeling like I had to prove myself to people…. as if achieving one more thing would finally make them see my worth.
“I’ll show them,” I’d think, driven by this relentless need to prove myself, not just to them but to myself. It’s like when people don’t want you to succeed; you push even harder, as if their doubts fuel your determination.
I remember when I was on the verge of quitting my Master’s program after the first semester. My incredible father convinced me to keep going, and eventually, I did more than just finish….I earned opportunities I never imagined.
Then, 12 years later, I got my doctorate, which felt like the ultimate victory. Perhaps a figurative slap in the face to all those who ever doubted me.
Yet, even as I’ve grown and become more enlightened around this issue, there’s still a part of me that feels the need to prove myself. Especially with that commonplace “prove-it-again” bias towards women of color, which I have talked about often before and will continue to explore.
It’s frustrating, but it’s a reality in a society that often measures our worth by our achievements. And in a society that doesn’t understand that, for some women, these achievements are more than just achievements – they are a critical part of their life and identity.
But today, I had a realization: For what purpose? Why care so much?
The truth is, people don’t even think twice about you. They won’t change their minds, no matter what you achieve or don’t achieve. They will feel what they feel and continue to dismiss your value, regardless of your efforts. They may come on your LinkedIn profile in a few years to see what you’re up to, if you actually made it, and get pissed for two seconds if you did, and then go about their business.
Is it worth the mental and emotional toll? Constantly trying to prove yourself to people who never truly cared or who are perfectly fine with your absence in their lives?
Maybe those colleagues and professors who once questioned my intellect feel a fleeting moment of regret when they see I have a doctorate now….
… Or maybe those bullies who tried to bring me down and succeeded in setting me back in my career, because they couldn’t stand someone like me trying to take initiative and be a leader and contribute things…
…. Maybe it might burn all of them for just two seconds to see me reach great heights in my dreams and aspirations…. or maybe they just don’t care at all.
In the end, I’ve come to understand a harsh truth: Adversity often drives us to keep pushing forward, not only because we have so much to offer the world but because there are always those who would rather see us fall.
But here’s the thing…It’s going to take some time to shift this mindset, but I am working towards being completely done proving myself to those who don’t matter….even if they contributed to helping me stay grounded in my mission and vision, because of their lack of support and belief in me… because I felt I needed to prove myself to them…
I gave them power they never had and never should have had over me…
In order for you to fully control your own narrative, to walk in your story, you need that autonomy, that independence. Don’t lock yourself in those mental games and mental chains.
My worth cannot be defined by their perceptions or their approval. It has to be defined by my own journey, my growth, and the impact I choose to make in this short life…
This comeback I’m embracing right now… among the greatest challenges I have ever had in my life… This comeback, no matter how long it takes……it is not to prove anything to anyone…
This comeback is entirely for me.
In Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
Thank you for reading and engaging!
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I also welcome discussion. Please feel free to use the comments section below. Thank you, I wish you well on your academic, writing, and artistic journey!