Dear Fellow Warrior,
I have much gratitude to Allah (swt) for blessing me with some sense of rizq and dignity after prolonged periods of struggle. I especially appreciate that those blessings arrive slowly, through delays and a gentle, gradual process that teaches me humility, patience, and gratitude.
A life of minimalism is a beautiful life. I do not need a big house or an expensive car. I have always preferred to stay away from a life obsessed with material possessions and wealth that does not help those in need.
Some people assume that a person who walks away from certain spaces, or tends to walk alone, must have ended up there because of some personal flaw. They show up to places alone, explore on their own, and don’t have dozens of friends. So they must be a loser or an outcast. They must hate people.
But sometimes people have to walk away because they love. They love humanity.
And they recognize how the spaces around them have begun to limit them, placing them inside boxes and restricting their ability to share that love …. to evolve and grow.
People become accustomed to a certain version of you they have affixed in their minds, which may have been incorrect or incomplete to begin with. They want you to remain there… chained to that box. They don’t want your “stars” to change.
Sometimes you walk away because the moment you show signs of struggle, people turn away. They pretend not to see you, perhaps because acknowledging your suffering would require them to confront their own sense of responsibility… to confront their inability to extend empathy and compassion…sometimes across differences.
You become a burden, and they find reasons to villainize you. They blame you for your struggles without recognizing that you are actually changing through them.
These are among the most harmful people you may encounter in life….and sadly they can be found within your own familial, professional and friendship networks.
I sometimes imagine that if I had everything society considers desirable, a beautiful home, a stable career, financial security, perhaps even a spouse, more people might have stayed.
Some of us actually try to follow those conventions with all our strength and effort, but still end up “coloring outside the lines.” Some people are destined for the “pathless path”…
That realization of who would have stuck around stings the soul, especially when life has presented you with enough examples and enough lived experiences to make you believe it.
It breaks your heart. But you cannot allow it to defeat you. You cannot remain in those circumstances forever. You have to keep moving forward. You do have to walk away, sometimes.
What makes it even more painful is the expectation that, in the midst of your own vulnerability and suffering, you must be one to extend mercy to those who failed to show up for you during the most difficult moments of your life…
Mercy to those who betrayed or abandoned you while you were contemplating ending your life.
Mercy to those who could not… and will never show mercy towards you.
Sometimes you cannot help but wonder… if they were comfortable watching you suffer, would they have mourned you if you did take your own life?
And if you struggle to extend that mercy, you become the villain in their story. Some people need you to stay the villain to control the narrative.
But you walk away because you know that remaining in those relationships or spaces would have threatened your very survival.
Unfortunately, some of us are dealt a shorter straw in life, and we live with the consequences every day. But there is always someone who has been dealt an even shorter one.
As human beings, we cannot fully comprehend Allah’s plan for us. But with time, perhaps we begin to recognize certain lessons in the isolation, the solitude, the delays, and the suffering we never anticipated.
And when Allah grants us even the slightest bit of relief, SubhanAllah, there is such power in gratitude. There is a newfound clarity and appreciation for what we have endured, and for the wisdom we have gained through those struggles.
We may never know why Allah allowed us to experience certain trials. We can only continue praying, reflecting, and trusting in His wisdom and his ultimate plan.
I have to believe that there is a reason for the struggles I have experienced, including those that coincided with the escalated genocide in Palestine.
I have to believe there is a reason Allah blessed me with the opportunity to undertake pilgrimage at the prime age of forty, an age mentioned in the Qur’an (Surah Al-Ahqaf (46:15)), and the age at which the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) began receiving revelation, during a period that would totally change me… that would lead to my “inward revolution.”
I have to trust that He has not abandoned me, even when I cannot understand the path before me… even as everything remains so uncertain and fragile…
We do not need dozens of superficial friendships, followers, fancy things, pricy cars, or large mansions or homes to live lives of dignity and purpose.
We are travelers in this dunya…in this short life.
We must learn to allow the pain and suffering to transform our hearts and strive to become better human beings and help others be better people too.
Because when we reach the end of our lives, I doubt our greatest regrets will concern the expensive clothes we never bought, the homes we never owned, or the places we never visited around the world.
I imagine we will think more about the people we could have helped, the mercy we could have shown, the wrongs we could have corrected, and the opportunities we had to become better human beings.
And whether we lived our lives with enough consciousness of the Hereafter…
May Allah keep us steadfast in our faith, guide our hearts toward all that is good and righteous, and grant us the strength to persevere through life’s trials with humility, patience, and gratitude. May He forgive our shortcomings, accept all our efforts, and grant us that ultimate blessing of Jannatul Firdaus, in the company of our dear beloved Prophet (PBUH). Ameen.
In Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your sister, Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
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