“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” – Kahlil Gibran
Dear Fellow Warrior,
I hope you had a wonderful July. And it is now the end of the month, past mid-summer and mid-year reflections. Since July is my birthday month, I consider it my new year, a time of reflection.
But August is the month we begin to implement if we haven’t already.
I keep forgetting I turned 40 this month… Still can’t believe it. Time is merciless, and keeps moving even if you feel stuck or in paralysis. I was going to do a post about Turning 40 here on this blog, but I shared my Open Mic Busboys speech in my last post here, on my birthday, which addresses a lot of my emotions about this birthday, and I wrote some posts on Medium, shared below!
For me, just like the past several summers, I fear these months have wasted away, but I have to elevate the positive limitless mindset to keep pushing forward.
I wanted to share a few writings with you. Some professional and some personal.
Reflections on My Destiny to Travel : Here I talk about my travels to Spain 3 year ago, and how I am meant to be on the move and explore the world.
Commemorating the Achievement of an Impossible Dream: Here, I talk about the milestone moment the past week, of defending my dissertation and becoming Dr. Elsa! I will do a video on this soon!
On Turning 40: Hitting Refresh on a New Decade: Here, I talk about my milestone birthday earlier this month.
Social Inclusion Amid Fragility: A Network Lens for Localization: This is one version of a blog piece relevant to my dissertation, which I have shared on Medium for the moment, while I find a home for it.
I started a new LinkTree Account, which I am excited about: https://linktr.ee/dr.elsatkhwaja
You can find my full portfolio and a compilation of links here. I may update a few elements occasionally.
Cheers to embracing what writer Jeff Goins termed the ‘portfolio life,’ immersing our whole selves in every space, and harnessing our creativity, authenticity, and fullest potential.
Fun fact, Jeff Goins “Intentional Blogging” course help me start my blogging journey 8-9 years ago!
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” – Dr. Brene Brown
My 5th edition of my Substack Newsletter, “The Qualitative Inquisition,” came out this week, where I write about “Harnessing Creativity and Authenticity in The Qualitative Inquisition.” Please check it out, it is available to the public! And please consider subscribing! You can read more about my newsletter launch HERE!
Lastly, I provide my full, candid, personal Reflections at the End of July, & National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month on Facebook.
It was initially a public post, partly because I know most people won’t read that there. But I have now put it on a Friend setting there. if you are not a Facebook friend, I want to share some highlights of the post here instead:
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It was very hard for me to turn 40 this past month, given my circumstances, and as I talked about in the last post.
I talked about my survival from Suicidality, and how I surpassed my predicted life expectancy.
It did make me sad that people in my life did not see the importance of the moment to me. But I guess I should be used to that by now.
For the past few years, I would have a birthday fundraiser for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, but I couldn’t do it this year, because it is not easy to fundraise when you are fighting to secure your health, well-being, and livelihood, even though it was even more relevant.
I have observed that people don’t believe you, nor will they care, unless you’re actually dead or in the hospital after an attempt at your life. Or so it seems. And they still won’t believe even if you’ve been hospitalized for it. That’s how much the “real and perceived stigma” is connected to this illness.
When I see all the support that white people, and white academics, and white professionals get from their networks when they talk about their mental health experiences in academia, why after all the advocacy, could there be such limited and dwindling support for a Muslim woman of color, and her efforts over the years? How could 9 years of advocacy have zero impact in her communities? How could her journey of survival be dismissed?
I have talked about the stigma I have faced multiple times throughout my blogging journey. I have reason to believe a race-religion-profession-gender- (and other identity factors) intersectional bias here that further demonizes and dehumanizes me, as I fight this illness for myself and advocate to stop societal stigma… and I have been coming to realize this bias in full play over the years.
In the past, I shared the intersectional challenges with invisible disabilities and people from marginalized backgrounds before. My entire blog, Chronicles of a Warrior KQueen was dedicated for that very purpose addressing that challenge. But I didn’t start this blog understanding the biases at that time. It was just big to even write boldly and honestly about Mental health at all.
I have shared a lot of my experiences and challenges openly, online and offline, and I am certain now that it has affected perceptions and attitudes towards me.
Doe that mean that I should stop?
I have balanced these revelations however with many different types of content, and in part by sharing my successes and my moments of self-advocacy and self-empowerment online and offline, which of course, as a Minority Brown woman, being an open book about her challenges connected to abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health, contributes to further stigmatization.
I’ve been able to identify multiple specific instances of demonization and dehumanization across domains, and I’m confident it has a lot to do with my intersectional identity factors. I didn’t want to believe this to be true, and still a part of me wants to be wrong, and is open to being wrong. But the more I reflect on it, the more I read about it, and with respect to the events of today, it is revealing a lot about social and human behavior, about social injustice, especially towards minorities.
And with all that I have shared, the past three years especially after getting my PhD, I have been exposed to many people who I valued in my life, who instead have chosen to exhibit signs of jealousy and indignation, rather than inspired by the resilience of a Warrior KQueen. You shut down when a woman expresses this, but I have shared multiple incidences, including the bullying I experienced in my last job, when I was forced to leave.
I think people hate to hear that word “jealousy” just as white people hate to hear that word “racism.” Because it triggers something similar, doesn’t it. It triggers true feelings of insecurity and fragility. As I have noted before, every person is responsible for their own triggers and you have to work on it yourselves. And you can. Jealousy is a normal human emotion that can be tamed.
Given this, I wonder if this contributes to why some people chose not to engage a single post from what I shared this month about my milestones on social media platforms (Facebook and Instagram), and instead just watched and dismissed your friend, simply trying to stay empowered and motivated as she is approaching mid-life, after a year of unemployment, lacking healthcare, struggling for 3—6 years of significant challenges back to back connected to Phd life.
The personal and professional jealousy… how could you be this way towards someone in my position?
I have called it “evil eyes” for many years now. But my advocacy and sharing my journey has definitely invited haters, even in my own networks, and I find it disturbing, given the diversity in the content I share, choosing authenticity and wholeness.
When she achieves a dream and celebrates it for herself, and advocates for herself, it is perceived as lacking humility. When she shares her challenges with fighting suicidality and mental illness, fighting for her livelihood and health, it is perceived as a weakness.
Tell me I am wrong?
I have learned from this ongoing Genocide in Palestine that it’s not that people don’t believe what is happening, it is that they just don’t care, it doesn’t concern them, and/or they literally don’t want to know. No empathy. No compassion. Just another “othered” indigenous population.
With respect to mental health and suicide prevention, all the videos/writings/blogs/tweets and posts along with messages directly to people, I do hate myself sometimes when I let my guard down, and show compassion and mercy for people who cannot and will not lend me an ear, even when I share the challenge directly with them in the most filtered way.
The lies of “you are not alone”, “you are not a burden,” “I’m here for you.”… They were all lies weren’t they?
It is why I had to turn to writing. It is why I built this blog. And I should utilize this blog going forward for this, because truthfully, no one is reading my social media posts about my challenges, my personal essays. You all stopped reading them. They were too heavy for my friends and family and now they filter it out. I wish I was wrong about this, but I fear I am right.
Change is very painful and hard, and it comes with hard realizations. Including that we can’t control or change anyone’s fixed mindset about us, and we cannot control how they engage with our content.
Nevertheless, for the sake of necessary catharsis, I continue.
With respect to what I shared last year and reposted, I still cannot believe that even knowing that your friend had been struggling, is at a trying moment and transition in her life, someone who you know is an extremely qualified professional and scholar with proven competencies, you still do nothing for her. There are a lot of people with less qualifications that suffer with mental illness in employment positions. I have met them in DC!!!
I have argued in the past and stick to my argument that it is much better to know the truth about someone than for it to be hidden, and it should be a good thing if someone discloses it in public or private to you.
You need to have a conversation on a disability protected by the law, to employ both social and professional accommodations in the workplace, for real inclusion to take place.
…. But no… not Elsa. Not even for Dr. Elsa.
Not even a conversation.
People can’t even do something so little as “like” or “engage” her posts that could help her with her creator journey she’s embarked on long before the creator economy became even more endemic, or prolific online writing endeavors, even just as positive reinforcement or support.
Yet, some have the time to go on my Linkedin or return to Facebook to check my “status.”
It’s astonishing.
Why don’t you engage and support? Because I share my story and journey fighting my suicidality, depression, and personal development? Because I advocate for a free Palestine? Because I got beef with the Democratic Party responsible for killing children abroad, like millions of Americans do? What more excuses?
No matter if you consider these flaws, or reasons to dismiss someones qualifications, nothing changes the fact that regardless of my suicidality, my mental health, my trauma from abuse, my setbacks, I am an incredibly accomplished and very competent and multi-talented intersectional professional, and a strong woman that will not accept being boxed into the labels, and will not accept any of the stigmas she endures. The Stigmas from being an “unmarried woman at age 40,” to being bullied, to facing unemployment and a gap in employment, to fighting an illness, to fighting for a Free Palestine.
I have been embarrassed about my poverty, given my resume and plethora of skills, despite falling into a difficult economic situation because of leaving a toxic unhealthy workspace around this time last year. But I am reminded in this piece last year, a Love Letter to My Poverty, something I performed at an open mic at Busboys & Poets as well, if it helps me “identify with the poor… underprivileged” (as Dr. King would say) even with gratitude, it has not been at that level, then I will own that truth of my experience and use it to continue to stand with those in need.
If you knew your friend needed a lift, and you can’t even do a small gesture of support, like engage a simple moment of self-empowerment online during her birthday, what does that say about you?
I am writing this out, because this reality needs to be exposed in order for it not to be repeated.
Meaning: I don’t want to be like this to other people, especially someone I know who was severely bullied, forced out, unemployed for a year, and fighting for her life and health while trying to figure out next steps in her career, facing health and personal crises. If I know this about someone, I don’t want to act the way that my ‘friends’ have in dismissing me.
Speaking out on Mental Health and sharing my story had indeed made me a target for mental health stigma. I know. Standing and owning my truth made me a target. Standing with Palestine has compounded that. Sharing my experience with being a target of bullying and standing against bullying in any space has compounded that stigma. Standing with survivors of sexual assault has compounded the stigma for the stories I shared since the Me Too movement.
I dont have time to cite the literature that corresponds with my experience, but I know with time it will become more and more clear, and we will have the science to prove the stigma, if we don’t already.
My story is real, and it matters. The Narcissists in your life, the ones that silence you, or ignore you, when you tell them you are struggling, they do it because they don’t want to feel any responsibility or any pain for what you have lost and endured, and they don’t want to accept accountability. You know your truth. Don’t let others shape the value of your story.
I will overcome this and I will help others. I intend to share this story as a central part of my Memoir, I am starting to prepare now.
It is remarkable, I commend myself for continuing to have mercy and compassion for others, even with the valid resentment I should have.
I believe it takes a person of character to push through her pain, and suppress or challenge that resentment through forgiveness and mercy. And we shouldn’t have to. I have the right to be angry for how society, people and systems, have failed me. I relapse to anger sometimes, as any human being does.
But I am also very careful, because even the slightest display of this righteous anger, or expression of defiance or dissent, as we very well know, and as I have experienced, is magnified and demonized and amplified for women of color and minorities, even though it a natural human emotion, especially when you have faced significant trauma and injustice.
It is remarkable, that with Allah in my heart, I can remember who I am. And I am no single emotion or identity factor.
Much of what I stand for is fighting stigmas and having tough conversations as I always say.
My whole story, my whole brand must continue to tackle “Curing Stigmas.”
I‘ve taken the pledge and I hope you will too.
Minority Mental Health Awareness Month should not only be about understanding how mental health impacts minorities but rather about understanding the unique intersectional multi-faceted nature of Mental Health and Mental illness.
This requires sharing stories, listening, emphatically listening to the unique experiences and stories and having the tough conversations, not only to learn and educate ourselves.
But also to ensure that people like me are not further alienated because of my multiple identity intersections, and don’t suffer even more unnecessarily because of the double-triple-quadruple the stigma.
I am tired. I am exhausted. But I will not stop speaking my truth, and sharing my story of survival, as long as I am alive, no matter all the hate and silence.
These are my honest, candid, cathartic reflections for July, in 2024, at a critical juncture of my life, at a personal and collective level, and on Minority Mental Health Awareness Month.
Thank you for reading. Even if it is heavy, strong, fierce, or uncomfortable. Sometimes these conversations have to be that way and we have to welcome it, to fully embrace authenticity and our whole truths, unapologetically and fearlessly. I am proud of staying strong through this all. My pain is valid, my emotions are real, my lived experiences are real, and so are yours.
Let us continue to embrace the transformative power of difficult conversations.
I hope to continue this writing journey on this blog with you, and I hope you will continue to be with me. I must end with this quote that has come to define my struggle the past three years since I achieved my doctorate:
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” – Dr. Maya Angelou
In Solidarity and Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister, Dr. Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
Thank you for reading and engaging! You can learn more about me here.
The featured photo: A painting that connects to the battle against the buree nazar (evil eyes), which I now believe is synonymous with the battle for “curing stigmas” a key theme to my blogging and writing efforts. I hope to talk more about this in the future. I have an entire draft article dedicated to the concept of the “evil eyes” I hope to share with you soon, among other pieces!
If you feel inspired by my writing and would like to support me, you are welcome to do so HERE. I also welcome discussion. Thank you, I wish you well on your academic, writing, and artistic journey!
You can subscribe to my Substack Newsletter here: https://qualinquisition.substack.com/
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