“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
– Carl Jung
Dear Fellow Warrior,
The ideation of jumping in front of the train returned to me again today. I don’t get out much and take the train often these days, but when I do, that’s the first thing that comes to mind, I guess.
Out of bad habit.
I imagined the full impact this time. The bloodied body, the broken bones… and at what point of the impact…that I would take my last breath.
I suppose the desire to die has dwindled a bit. And maybe it weakens because the story is getting more interesting.
Maybe it’s your curiosity at times… wondering what will happen next in your life… that saves you…or perhaps it’s the realization of your full potential... Of what could be possible if you fully harnessed it…
That’s part of what always kept you alive, right?
The need to fulfill your purpose in this life. The dreams…
This time was a little different, perhaps for that reason.
This time, the mind led me to imagine someone pushing me instead.
Maybe because of the feeling you are sitting with now… that the people who knew this about you… the people you trusted with this information…did absolutely nothing… never actually cared… “othered” you, saw you as a “burden”…maybe they’re actually okay with you gone… maybe they really would be fine without your presence in their lives…
...maybe they prefer you to stay in the darkness...because they can’t see you in the light..
They know you could move mountains in the light…
I also remember a time when it did happen.
Someone did jump in front of the metro one year. A long time ago. In DC.
And I remember the random conversations I would have with people… complaining about how it impacted their commute. The hours in the day they lost from their busy lives, because of that “shameful,” “selfish” decision that person made…
It didn’t matter to those careless people… the state of her mind, her welfare, her well-being… Her story.
Nothing mattered other than the “burden” that was placed on them.
A burden. That’s what we are.
I don’t know if it could have been just a little empathy and understanding…from someone… that could have saved her…
But you do have to wonder why that is so hard for people to offer. Empathy. Compassion. Love. Support. Understanding. A Listening ear.
Again…I’m not allowed to say this.
I am not supposed to say this.
Because it’s uncomfortable for others…
Because people don’t want to be told who and how to be… or reminded that compassion and empathy should be universal…
Because it makes others see me as that “less than”… without any understanding…
Even though all of this has made me stronger:
A stronger person… a stronger woman… A better sister… a better daughter… a better friend… a better woman….
Even a better scholar… one who studies conflict and fragile states… a better educator… a better public servant… a better human being…
Just better in so many ways…
These scars. Every scar… every struggle…
It may not seem like it right now.. “The Better” … because it is yet to be seen. Yet to be given a chance in this world.
And as I shared in this recent post, it’s a different feeling now…
Remembering the tears… when the train doors would open… and I would come in, take a seat, and put my head against the glass window… feeling ashamed of the feeling… and then ashamed of not going through with it.
Each stop on the train today would bring a rush of nostalgia from the past 15 years… and a sting to the heart.
I just needed that one opportunity…
A chance to be in a space that was truly inclusive… genuinely diverse…a place that would focus and amplify the strengths over the shortcomings and challenges…
A place that didn’t just speak of diversity, equity, inclusion, belonging, empowerment, etc, but actually practiced it… especially for those of us with the invisible/unseen/hidden struggles that could not always be hidden.
I am a smart, highly educated, experienced, competent, talented woman with so much to offer… but this place…. this chapter… it may not be the soil I could grow in.
I have known this for a while now… even though a part of me feels I could have thrived, if the conditions were right… and can still possibly thrive…
It is never your fault that the system wasn’t designed for someone like you to thrive… as much as they try to make you think it’s your fault… it is not… But there’s a big world out there… somewhere…there is opportunity…
You just need the chance to grow in a place that doesn’t keep wounding you, or reopening the wounds you’ve worked so hard to heal…because people keep trying to pull you down, when you are rising… or unwilling to see your true value…
Hate the idea that you could rise and you could be “Great”…
All because you are different. All because you shared your struggles. You were honest. You were authentic. You were open. You had courage. You spoke your truth. Unapologetically. All because of that.
And if that place doesn’t exist… maybe you just try to survive long enough to imagine it into being.
*******
Happy July.
Happy Minority Mental Health Awareness Month and Disability Pride Month.
Mental Health Awareness is about community transformation through the willingness to engage in important, difficult conversations. For those from marginalized communities, the experience of mental health challenges is often compounded by stigma, alienation, and limited access to appropriate resources. As a survivor who continues to fight, this is why I can never stop speaking about mental health. I will keep telling the truth, even as neoliberal culture subtly delegitimizes those who dare to confront structural harm and emotional truth, or in facing doubt and dismissal that often surrounds these conversations in neoliberal spaces. Because silencing myself is not an option when our lives depend on breaking that silence.
It will always be disheartening to me that even after more than a decade of speaking out, so few in my professional and personal circles have truly grasped the depth and purpose behind my message on Mental Health Awareness, or why I chose to share my own story. Too many remain locked into assumptions, unwilling to engage in these conversations with the seriousness they deserve, unaware of the harm that silence and dismissal cause. I believe the entire mental health care industry bears responsibility too… complicit in the very stigma it claims to fight. But we must keep speaking out to break the silence that reinforces stigma, continue speaking our truth, and sharing our stories regardless.
Thank you for reading, listening, engaging, and being a part of my journey, or anyone’s journey. If you are struggling, know there are resources, people, and spaces that can support you.
Hold on to hope… even if it feels faint right now.
There are people who want you to stay…who do see you… who do love you…
Your story is not over yet.
“The victim should have the right to end his life, if he wants. But I think it would be a great mistake. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there’s life, there is hope.”
– Stephen Hawking
In Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister, Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was Looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
*******
Thank you for reading and engaging!
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