“When you dance, you can enjoy the luxury of being you.” – Paulo Coelho
Last month, I attended the Comparative International Education Society (CIES) Annual Conference in Washington, DC. The conference coincidentally fell on the same week I attended the National Youth Leadership Forum of Defense, Intelligence and Diplomacy back in 2002, my final year of High School, when i first discovered the nation’s capital.
It felt like a very nostalgic, full circle moment again, with so many flashbacks to 2002, with respect to all the amazing events, the people and the DC excursions etc.
There was also a “DC night” with some music and dancing. It reminded me of the NYLF because there was a dance then too…. and I took a moment that night to reflect on that sudden flashback….
I remember going to that dance at NYLF. I recall someone (actually a guy I was crushing on at the time) telling me to go to the dance floor. I went to the floor with some girls I befriended at the Forum. At that time, I wore the hijab and I was a little more shy than I am now. It was only 6 months since I had started wearing it (30 days before 9/11). I share my story here: https://www.warrioretkqueen.com/to-hijab/
So I started dancing. As soon as I moved, the girls I was dancing with, walked away from me and I was left alone on the floor. I always remember that image of a bare brown hardwood floor because I couldn’t dare lift my head up and look around me to see who saw that happen.
Maybe that’s why I enjoy cleaning hardwood floors. Lol.
I felt so rejected but it was not the first time, and it would not be my last. I knew it was because of my hijab and how different I looked being in that space. You know it. You know that feeling when you are being singled out or ignored or mistreated because of “being or looking different.” I was the only one with a head cover on among the 200+ high school students there. I left the dance that night with tears to my hotel room.
But I didn’t let that moment ruin what the NYLF meant to me and the start of my dreams for living, working, and studying in Washington, DC as a 17 year old.
I never actually shared this before to anyone for many reasons.
As the article I linked earlier shares, I did take off my hijab 3 years later but it had nothing to do with anything external.
That night in DC, 21 years later, it was President’s Day. I started that day by hearing the CIES President’s speech and going to the Arlington National Cemetary to Salute the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier which was also a special moment connected to NYLF in 2002 and then, going to that “CIES DC Night” briefly.
Maybe some people might find this hard to believe about me, but I am quite the extrovert. I may seem shy or anxious with my stutter or the way I speak and my non-verbal communications or behaviors. But it was me who pushed people up to the front to start dancing.
And I danced. I had not danced in a long time. Lol. Actually, the day before there was a Brazilian folk dance show where i danced so I had some warm up there…
I danced even though I have lost whatever little rhythm I had. I don’t even remember the songs the cover band was playing now, even though it was just a month ago. I only remember dancing.
I just danced. And I danced. And danced. I didn’t care who was watching. I didn’t care that people told me I was sweating so much. Lol. I was drenched with sweat. I didn’t care how I looked with my fat chai belly. I just danced. And I got other academics to dance with me, which is not an easy thing. 🙂
People would tell me to keep dancing so there could be more people who would dance in the room, “you dance so great,” “love the moves,” lol. I know I’m a dork, I am fat, unhealthy and old and tired and with so much pain in my joints. But I didn’t let that stop me, just for that moment.
Even though there was that fear of rejection that always creeps in… I kept dancing. And I was dancing with people who didnt walk away from me.
It didn’t matter if no one was dancing with me either. I just wanted to dance. Just feel some joy for…just a moment. Taking in the music.
I was just happy for feeling some Azaadi, some freedom and taking that moment to heal that one tiny wound from 21 years ago.
Belonging will always be challenging for so many of us who carry many diverse identifying factors, or identity intersections, which may confuse people who do not understand or are unfamiliar with the notion of “intersectionality.” This has indeed been a challenge throughout my entire life and I have seen the difficulties unfold in every single space, from the classroom, to social situations among different communities, to the professional workspace. Sometimes it seems impossible to embrace your authenticity in certain spaces. Do not allow the critics, those who are watching you, scrutinizing you, ostracizing you, waiting to pinpoint a “mistake” so as to amplify it and marginalize you, to prevent you from dancing with your intersectionality. Dance, and don’t mind who’s watching.
Thank you for reading this post.
“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting….Dance when you’re perfectly free.” – Jalaluddin Rumi
“Diversity is being invited to the Party. Inclusion is being asked to Dance.” – Verna Myers
Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister
Dr. Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” -Atticus