“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” – Albert Camus
Dear Fellow Warrior,
How are you? It has been some time and we have a lot to catch up on, you and me.
Yesterday, as you know, was Freedom Day in America.
I wanted to share briefly how I feel right now.
Normally, if I were here in Washington, DC, our nation’s Capital, as I am right now, I would spend my time with George Washington, and grab a spot close to the road between the Washington Monument and the World War Two Memorial, to enjoy the most spectacular fireworks. My usual spot.
But I couldn’t get myself to go.
It rained yesterday anyway. In fact, as I was writing this piece in the early evening, I was looking out the window and watching the rain. I recall it had rained a few times on July 4th during my time here. And among my favorite things are large crowds, rain, DC, and Fireworks. It was just a small sacrifice.
And as soon as I finished a first draft of this, and prepped my canvas for the painting seen above in the featured photo, (which was painted over a Suicide prevention painting I had before)… I went for a jog as the skies cleared up to clear the mind. I wore one of my Suicide Prevention T-shirts.
It has officially become a social and professional taboo now (perhaps somewhat similar to the taboos connected to such illnesses as Suicide) to talk about the Middle East situation, unless your opinions and expertise are sought after. At least it seems like it, from where I stand.
This Genocide is being aided, abetted, and facilitated by the United States of America, among other Western powers, similar to many other situations around the world.
I cannot comprehend how we can celebrate Freedom today in this country, with all that is going on in Gaza. Especially when we are being silenced in the most subtle ways by powerful forces from speaking the truth about the brutality happening to our brothers and sisters of Palestine.
Are we truly free? Do you feel free in this country?
In many ways, on a personal level, I don’t feel free. Especially if there is even a tinge of fear or resistance in the content of my writings, as the Warrior KQueen, in my freedom of expression. We can be afraid, and still proceed with the courage to do what is right and just.
The quote from Nelson Mandela has been shared often the past 9 months:
“We know too well that our freedom is incomplete, without the freedom of the Palestinians.”
It holds strongly today. We are fighting to be free from white supremacist, imperialist forces, including neoliberal fascism and capitalism suppressing our freedom of speech. This impacts everything. Things can never be the same. From the makeup we apply to the food we eat, to the places we shop, to the people and institutions we work with, to the things we used to enjoy doing. It will never be the same. This is our new normal. This is part and parcel to the Resistance.
There are powerful forces we are up against in the quest for our freedom. We must not surrender.
I came across this quote on Facebook:
“We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings. Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings. Resistance and change often begin in art, and very often in our art, the art of words.” – Ursula K. Le Guin
This is the first Fourth of July, that I wasn’t able to go out and enjoy the 4th of July Festivities, on a gorgeous summer (though rainy) day. I couldn’t do it. There was sadness.
But this must be my protest.
I have always participated in the 4th of July events by myself whenever I have been here, hoping one day that I could enjoy it with friends or loved ones. But I never made it happen here. I couldn’t find a community or group of friends, or a friend that I believe would genuinely enjoy my company and take in the moment in a similar way that I would. I have tried but perhaps I felt better alone. I would take the exploration in as a time for deep reflections, about our country and our life. I love some of the things I have written in the past on Facebook. Like HERE.
Perhaps that was what made it special for me. As George Washington, the first Independent President would say: “It is better to be alone than to be in bad company.” Bad company could mean a lot of things. I’ve learned that the hard way over the years. I used to think that I was loser for embracing my solitude and exploring things on my own. But there is great value in it.
Seeing all the memories of July 4th over the years on Facebook, is both nostalgic and painful. Especially at this moment for our country.
For the past 14-15 years that I have been in our nation’s capital, Washington, DC, I have never missed the 4th of July fireworks festivities. This year, I am present in DC, and I could not go.
We are now mid-year and as many of us noted at the start of this new year, “No celebrations until Liberation.” In recent years, I recall laying on the grass watching the fireworks in front of George Washington’s Monument (the first and only Independent President) and dreaming of the “Political Revolution,” one where all of us could truly embrace “Freedom,” and all of what that entails, even those of us who “color outside the lines.” We have a long way to go.
In my recent domestic travels the past month, it had been a long time since I encountered that “Window Seat” as I wrote about here. Particularly the window seat that would allow me to see DC upon arrival to the DCA airport (perhaps I was flying to IAD a lot in recent years and there were limited travels due to Pandemic and quarantine and Phd life etc). But I find it always a moment to reflect on where I am heading, especially when having to leave loved ones.
Seeing the Monument and the Capitol Building especially would give me feelings of awe, excitement, hope, drive and motivation as I continued the dream of “living, working, and studying” in Washington, DC. I didn’t have that feeling when I landed this time, unfortunately. Perhaps I realized I have been trapped in this dream, or fantasy, that is slowly fading away now, and there is so much more to explore in the world. For the past several years, even before the Pandemic, I was trapped, trying to find an escape. And I am still trapped, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Freedom to travel the world is something I always aspired for, hoping that I could combine multiple passions from academic, professional, and creative life. The change of environment that I had last month was so liberating. I have also talked a lot about how I feel most free through my writing and painting endeavors, and simply for my catharsis and self-empowerment, let alone, freedom of expression.
In reference to Ursula K. Le Quin’s quote, the act of producing art is in and of itself, an act of resistance. This blog has been my act of resistance. And I hope to continue to use words and art to achieve freedom, the Azaadi, that I have aspired for so long, and help others do the same.
Freedom for me is found in my art. And I need to fully embrace this revelation to harness my fullest potential.
I have known for a long time now, with some guidance from Albert Camus, that my simple existence and persistence, is an act of Rebellion.
Freedom for me is allowing my writing, whatever medium I use, however it must be done, with all emotions of expression, to free me from being imprisoned in my mind, from keeping me hostage. To release the pain that keeps me boxed, trapped, and suffocates me. To control my own narrative while society continues to try to mold and control me. This is why I must continue to nurture my voice.
There is freedom in choosing authenticity, being yourself, embracing your true self, even if it means losing people, places, and things in your life and sacrificing some things you used to enjoy, some dreams you once had, that now, with integrity and boldness, must change.
You are doing the right thing and you are moving in the right direction for what you are destined to be. You are on the right side of history.
I have written about Freedom here before, and I always have something to say about it. Azaadi is among my favorite Urdu words. I just needed to grab this opportunity for a brief reflection, especially since I miss a post for June.
Let’s continue this conversation later.
You haven’t heard from the Warrior KQueen for a while. But she’s still here. Embracing rebellion, resistance, revolution, in her art, as she continues to fetch her Sword.
But you will hear more from her. She is a fierce and formidable force. You may see weakness in her vulnerability and honesty. But that is her greatest asset. She knows now that the very act which may give her the desired Freedom is an act of rebellion. Her persistance and resistance and mere presence is an act of rebellion.
I hope you will continue to be with me, in this space as I chronicle the journey towards Azaadi, and Freedom, towards fetching that Sword.
Happy July. Happy Minority Mental Health Awareness Month.
Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister, Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus