“Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity.” – Aristotle
Dear Fellow Warrior,
Sometimes, when I go out, maybe to the grocery store or run an errand, my mind tends to think that I still look like the person I was “before.”
Before the pandemic. Before this grey zone – ‘identity crisis’ – post-PhD. Before the Genocide of our brothers and sisters in Gaza. Before the bullying and racism I experienced in my first job after completing my PhD.
But then I see myself in the mirror above the vegetables in the store … the clothes, the face, my hair, my body… and I get taken aback, shocked for a second.
I think, who is that? That can’t be me… Wow, what happened?
Admittedly, I let many people bring me down in my life, and I won’t say that I deserve it.
I have allowed the hate and jealousy to bring me down. I have allowed the lack of support from people to bring me down as well. I have allowed the silence of those who watch me suffer and struggle to bring me down. I have allowed the evil eyes from those who watch me in my positive moments, or moments of empowerment and self-advocacy, to bring me down. I have allowed the harm from those people, when I share my truth, when I speak truth to power, to bring me down.
The most painful realization I am experiencing right now, especially with respect to this political climate and what it has been revealing about social inequalities, is how much my voice and my work seemingly do not matter largely because of the identity factors I carry. Alongside my ailments and challenges, including invisible disabilities, I know that my race, gender, and religion play a strong intersectional role in how little anything I do, say, or write is valued. These intersectional identity factors certainly contribute to my invisibilization.
These are insanely powerful forces. And no matter how much I have been fighting, things are slow for me, in my trajectory in life, because I have to constantly be fighting these forces, and some have just been so unnecessary.
The worst among them are the hurtful people, the narcissists, the bullies who know you are struggling, who were aware of your ailments, but they add more pain and more struggle to you, in harmful ways, instead of showing the love and support you need. And I have let it all bring me down.
I have tried so hard to fight it, to empower myself, but even that effort is misunderstood, misperceived, and unsupported by the good people in my life. These forces are so powerful.
It is completely legitimate, at times, to relapse into the sadness, the anger, and the hopelessness about my life and my future. My pain is more than valid.
There are many reasons and motivations to keep going, but sometimes what is happening externally isn’t enough to push through the internalized challenges. Still, especially when you decide you must keep going…this is the only recourse…the show must go on… even knowing how much people don’t want you to succeed, how much they are counting on their lack of support to keep you down and prevent you from rising, you have to break through it.
What does the world expect us to do… if we are living and breathing, despite our struggles, mental health conditions, despite having all the odds stacked against us, we have to keep trying to pursue our dreams.
It is this purpose, this meaning, this motivation that is helping sustain our life… shouldn’t that inspire people?
Some people want to see you keep struggling, in pain, and not help you in even the smallest ways, because they know your potential and they are afraid of it.
And you let them bring you down because you loved them, tremendously, you were inspired by them, tremendously, you were hoping to build great things with them, you respected them tremendously, and you cared about them.
Unfortunately, they didn’t feel the same way about you. They didn’t need you or want you in their life. They didn’t see value in your presence and they didn’t miss you in your absence.
I am not a perfect person and I would be the first to lay out all my shortcomings and flaws, out in the open… but no matter what I do, it will never be enough, and it was never enough.
Some chose to keep a fixed mindset about you and judge you on a small aspect of who you are and not the sum of who you are. Some chose to demonize your legitimate frustration and hurt when you realized the love was never reciprocal.
For some, it is easy to shake off, but for someone as misunderstood as me, someone who holds so many supposedly “conflicting” identity factors that can perhaps confuse others and lead to my own “cognitive dissonance” at times… for a lover with big dreams, who cannot compromise her authenticity and creativity, who needs a little lift sometimes, it isn’t easy.
I am still here. I still exist. My voice may have been dimmed by the weight of others’ judgments, apathy, misperceptions, dismissal, and hate, but it is not silenced. I have learned that, though all of this makes me relapse at times, and holds me back, and puts me at moments of paralysis, it cannot hold me forever.
Each day, each hour, each minute, each second is another opportunity to reclaim my voice and my power, bit by bit.
It has to go at your pace. No one elses. Your pace. Time can be on your side, however slow you must go, you are going, you are moving….
And no matter how many times I keep falling, I am always getting up and trying again… as long as Allah gives me life…. and that resilience itself, will be impactful to others one day, if it cannot have any impact at the moment.. even if that impact may be long after you are gone…
I am choosing to rise above the adversity, and keep rising, no matter its long-lasting stain, not for the people I have loved, not for the defiance against the hate … but for me.
The road ahead will be even more brutal than it already has been, but I am walking it to honor my story, my own truth, my own dreams, the person I was, the person I am, and the person I am becoming…
“Fall 7 times. Get up 8.” – Japanese Proverb
In Solidarity and Peace,
Your sister, Dr. Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
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