“If light is in your heart, you will find your way home.” – Rumi
Dear Fellow Warrior,
How was your summer?
I did “a lot” of mountain driving… well, a lot more than I am used to, as I share in my new medium article HERE, entitled “Driving through ‘Dangerous Mountains’.”
The anxiety was amplified, and the fear… well I was really afraid… and thinking about it, a little over a week back to my life here… I guess I am still afraid. But not so much of that moment. It was about what that moment symbolized for me. I got lost a bit or took unfamiliar roads. I will need to keep driving through mountains a bit more to reduce this fear and anxiety.
I think it was important for me to get that experience of driving through steep slopes up and down such elevations. Everyone driving around me seemed to be fine doing it, passing me while I drove sometimes 15 under the speed limit.
Anyway, I returned home from a wedding weekend with family. It was so nice to see family again. Some, not all….To be frank and honest. Something that I am generally, but most especially here in this space with you. I hope that is okay.
I am very proud to be a part of this family. I think there are certain things that I have happened, and that I have been unjustly blamed for, while struggling to make something of my life, that has made me question my authenticity and belonging when certain members of our family are present. This is quite unfortunate and painful to deal with. Because it was the primary reason, that no matter how much I honor and celebrate others, my one big family moment was ripped away from me, and minimized for what it really meant and how it should have been honored, recognized, and celebrated. This may always creep up at me… going forward…
I learned over the course of the past year that this very sentiment was among the various other feelings and emotions that were holding me back from moving forward in my life after I finished my doctorate. It is such a powerful sentiment.
Last month, I made a vow to myself to let go and move forward.
Seeing family can be a great thing, but it can sometimes move you back, make you relapse into someone who you are not, and never were. Family will sometimes create that “box” for you, and confine you with their fixed mindset inside that box, and some who choose not to evolve with you will find ways to use it against you. In big families, you will always find those who will not evolve with you, particularly those “new additions.’ I have learned that even family are among those who will do anything possible to try to bring you down and keep you from rising. These could also be people in your own community. The people we call “Friends.”
It is not fair. But I guess even at this point in my life, I have still been trying to understand what battles are worth fighting for, and when we have to use the relevant filter. Because honestly, with all I have endured, there are some things you have to let go, and then some things that make you want to go on top of that mountain and scream your lungs out… it’s not fair.
What I can say, dear warrior, is that this socially constructed “belonging uncertainty” has become one of the reasons why I have made the effort to stay persistent in my quest for community, online and offline, is because I know I cannot be the only one struggling to connect with others at a deeper level in this world.
A post/article on “belonging” is overdue on this blog, or any medium, and now is the right time for me to write it. And I will.
I appreciate you giving me a moment to catch my breath, and heal, but I also know that I have to take stronger action now in my life, pick up the pace, or develop a steady pace/momentum with my creative contributions.
As the medium piece states, I have to keep moving, and as I stated in my birthday reflection posts last month, I cannot keep allowing my past to keep me hostage. Which often means brushing off those people, even family, who choose to have a fixed mindset about you, who chose to not acknowledge your growth and your triumphs, and let you move on, support you in your continued quest for climbing mountains.
I am here for the evolution. You are with me for evolution, for transformation, for growth, for changing our stars together, for being of service and making contributions in the world.
From what I understand, (I would prefer to be wrong, but unfortunately, I believe I am right), the people who truly believe in you are those who know you to your very core, or those who don’t know you at all.
We may both need each other. It may just be you and me… Will you stay?
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” – Dr. Maya Angelou
Peace, warmth, blessings, and Solidarity,
Your sister,
Dr. Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
You are welcome to check me out here: https://medium.com/@elsatalatkhwaja/about
If you feel inspired by my writing and art, and would like to support my creative efforts, you are welcome to do so here. I am just grateful that you took the time to read my words. Thank you for your support!
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