Dear Fellow Warrior,
On my birthday this year, July 9th, I wanted to gift myself an exit from my community on Facebook, and ultimately from the way I showed up on all my social media platforms. Not because anything was wrong with it. It just wasn’t working for me anymore. It wasn’t serving me, and my contributions weren’t making the strong impact they had the potential to make. There were far more negative experiences than positive. I have to be more patient and find another way.
It has been a good 10 days now, and I am still feeling the withdrawal effects.
I wanted to share the long, personal message I wrote to the Facebook Community before I left… here. I do not foresee most of them taking interest in my writing, art, and other commentary, which will continue on other platforms.
But I still want to preserve all my efforts in other ways. And I am slowly coming to realize what I can do, to make that investment of time, energy, and heart all count.
I also want to take this time to learn how to live life without a “Facebook Update.” Overall, I have been doing well.
It’s always so difficult, being overwhelmed with so many things on your plate to do. But I have to find time to also process these emotions.
The hardest part of the realization over the past 10 days is that the whole time, people never read you, and people never really cared about you. They just needed to keep tabs on you. To know what you are up to. To know that you were not doing well. The whole time.
The whole time, they didn’t value you as a friend. There was a bridge between us then. Now I chose to light a match and burn it…because it was never real. And I deserved better. Way better than negative evil eye onlookers who would get mad when I shared moments of success and joy and happy when I shared moments of struggle and sadness.
I’ll let my final farewell note to my friends and family on Facebook speak for itself.
I never had to explain myself, but as the confessional writer, that’s what you end up doing half the time. I am learning, still learning to live life, and accept life, being misunderstood. I will share more about how I am doing and moving forward now, without being active on traditional social media, in another post.
But in a nutshell, it has been hard, but I looked at a certain place as an outlet for expression for nearly 20 years. And more in the past 10 years. And it never left an impact greater than a negative perception of me among people with fixed and narrow mindsets.
I realized I was more than that. I didn’t need to have them in my life. Why did I keep them there?
It took me a while to edit my message on Facebook that day, on the eve of my 41st Birthday, so I won’t edit it here. I hope something valuable comes from sharing this.
If nothing… just remember the importance of engagement and community, and learning to be better at being there for one another.
My message was not coming through to most of my contacts. I didn’t have to keep suffering in front of bystanders who I used to consider my friends. I realized I chose loneliness over the evil eye. And that was a better choice.
Similar to what George Washington said about how it is better to be alone than in bad company. I’ll take refuge here, in this space, to recover from this withdrawal and the painful realization in these past 10 days, that if I do not show up, write, speak, and share my words, I will perish with such little value while I am alive.
We must do our best to honor our own modest legacies in this short life.
A FINAL FAREWELL TO MY FACEBOOK COMMUNITY
Dear Friends, Colleagues, Family,
Bismillah. In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious. Most Merciful.
I recall… at some of my toughest moments over the past four-five years, when I felt severely depressed and alone, especially since the global pandemic, I remember how even just seeing the green dot at the top of Facebook Messenger would give me a little relief.
A sense that I was still connected.
That we were still connected.
Maybe you saw me.
Maybe someone read my words… someone knew that I was alive…
Partly because that’s how much you meant to me.
Partly because I may have wanted to matter to you. Partly because I needed some connection to survive.
And I’ve realized something recently.
If you’re familiar with the 80/20 Pareto Principle…. where 80% of outcomes come from 20% of efforts….
Looking at that as a metaphor in a different way for my life… I have come to realize I was living 20% of my life offline, and 80% online… across all platforms… especially over these past five years… which started from PhD and quarantine life… stuck in survival mode while picking up pieces of my life…
And Facebook was the foundation of my online existence and persistence, in sharing and documenting that story and journey….especially in survival mode… in the quest to feel some community and connection…
That balance of 20/80 can work for the digital creator, who tends to live a great chunk of their life online, if you have a solid and consistent community of support. It doesn’t have to be a large community. It just needs to be there….consistent.
Especially when you are a blogger who writes about such delicate topics like mental health, suicidality, and other deeply personal truths… and have done so long before a global health crisis made these conversations more visible, but still unapproachable and stigmatized.
You may earn a lot of haters… bystanders… “surveillance cameras,” Even people you have respected and loved would hate you, because they just cannot stand that you have courage and integrity to walk in your authentic story.
And when you lose that sense of community…
When the space no longer feels safe, it’s time to step back and reflect. And It goes back to the frog in boiling water metaphor. I was under water, and the water was boiling too slow for me. I didn’t jump soon enough.
When I graduated with my PhD, nearly 4 years ago, I was able to identify my Achilles heel, what needs to be removed from my life to get to the next level …through research and the advice of another content creator.
I knew my Achilles heel was social media… namely, Facebook.
Still, I was in denial. I couldn’t just walk away… from everyone I loved… people who I would never interact with anywhere else…other than Facebook…. even if they didn’t feel the same way about me… And I tried to leave many times… over the past 20 years actually. I did leave initially in the beginning… I started the account in 2005, among the first in my college cohort. But then I came back with a new account in 2007…and would try many times to leave over the years, even recent years…
I know there was a point where there was a community on here.
Over time, the grief of that loss… that loss of community, of connection, of being seen and valued for who I was… only grew deeper. And whether it was an algorithm or something else, it aligned with me starting to see my own worth, and unapologetically putting myself out there, honoring my education, my title, my art, and seeing value and beauty in myself, that appeared to be dismissed by negative onlookers in my community.
Deep down I knew, as many would tell me too, that my posts were powerful, inspiring, moving, but even those people wouldn’t engage them. Even family members would tell me that others were so happy about my posts….. liked my posts…, but would never reach out to me to tell me, or engage me. It made no sense.
Especially because I knew that it would be engaged if they were posted by someone who held identity factors that were more mainstream… maybe more convenient… less exotic.. maybe more white.
Even now, as I write this and message a few people privately to let you know I’m stepping away, I know this final post may not be seen or read. I know.
And if it is… it may be the last time we ever connect.
But every post I write has invited connection and conversation.
To the most part, dismissed.
But still, I have to honor this for myself.
Because as I stated in other posts, Facebook was the space where I grew as a writer. As a blogger. As a human being.
But when engagement becomes a popularity contest… when it depends on your gender, culture, religion, socio-economic status, your rank, your title… only when you are not struggling, when everything is okay with you,… And your personal and professional contacts make your visibility conditional on their approval… this is not a welcoming, safe, and healthy space to continue nurturing your talents and contributions.
I cannot participate in this type of environment, which goes totally against my personal values.
I’ve shared before: I am a non-conformist.
Some see that as a weakness. I see that as strength.
I feel things deeply, I see it as one of my greatest strengths.
Yes, I could remove all my contacts. But the memories remain.
And for now, I want to preserve this digital archive… because it was a considerable investment of time, labor, and emotional truth. But I hope over time to eventually remove it from here. Or just delete it altogether.
Because it is hard to come back to a place where that kind of trauma connected to your invisibility and erasure resides.
I know that a lot of my self-publishing here was driven by a desire to be seen by those I already knew. My bad.
Be seen by people who didn’t want to see me. Many of whom chose not to evolve with me, or value me, but rather keep a fixed mindset about who I was. How can you change and grow in a space like that?
This space was harder to walk away from because for too long I was in denial. As I said, I grew as a writer here. My contributions will not be gone to waste, and will be put into a memoir and for whatever comes next, inshallah.
To the friends and family who only engaged when I posted photos with loved ones, thank you for those moments.
But I also hope you might value women for more than our connections to our families. I hope you value our ideas… words… voices… our contributions… as individuals.
Even amid an emptiness… a sadness… knowing that I walk away from the only personal connection I could have with a lot of you… a bridge with so many people of my past that will not be there in other spaces ….there’s a strange kind of freedom brewing in my soul…
Freedom from invisibility and evil eye… from those who never gave me a chance because of who I am. Freedom from the silent rejection.
And I leave with the hope for something new.
New connections… fresh start.
And if any of that evil eye came because of my politics, my spiritual transformation, or my commitment to empowerment and truth-telling at a personal and collective level, my posts for Palestine…. I say this with care and maybe a little tough love, but if my journey ever triggered discomfort, I invite you to reflect and perhaps refrain from following me further.
Like Oprah Winfrey said… You can’t have anyone in your life who is has that negative feeling towards you, even a little jealousy or envy. So I say this kindly… if you gave me the side-eye here for anything I posted, please don’t look for me on LinkedIn in five years. You will be even more angry with what you learn about me… honestly, saying this with love… if I am still alive, I will only be flying…
I lost five years, but the next five years will be so much better, especially if Allah (swt) is with me.
You can’t stay in spaces where people make you feel smaller than you are. It keeps you small. When you know you are meant to be so much bigger.
That’s what I felt. I know I am way bigger and much more worthy and valuable than what so many of my connections here on Facebook perceive of me, who have contributed to my invisibility, who have rejected me… but who still watch my posts…without any desire to have a real, genuine connection.
I lost a good amount of time in the past five years while in survival mode… caring about you, trying to matter to you, to build a connection with people who didn’t think twice about me… who ultimately stopped speaking to me because of our differences…People still kept watching and surveilling me here, thinking it was harmless. You are doing it right now…
It wasn’t. And it isn’t. And what you are doing to your other friends isn’t harmless either. They may not have the words or the conscience to name what they are going through.
I know that I faced intersectional social injustice in real life… and online. It’s not your fault for just showing up as yourself. And then asking/demanding better from others, especially through your struggles. You have done nothing wrong; if a society does not accept or value you, it is not you. That lack of belonging, that impostor syndrome, all of it, is because you are trying to survive in a world that isn’t designed for you to thrive in. Whether it’s online or offline.
But I’m redirecting the rejection. That’s always been my practice.
Take it. Accept it. Redirect it.
And so, with much love, mercy, and forgiveness, I’m redirecting toward something bigger.
I know my worth. I know my voice.
And I will no longer be boxed in by people or platforms who try to mute it. I’ll focus more on all that matters, which will leave a greater impact. I always keep writing.
I hope that if you stay in this space, you will engage with each other more openly. Especially when it comes to people you already know.
Engage your friends who share vulnerable thoughts or political reflections. Even if you disagree.
It’s better to express disagreement… than to disengage. Dr. Brene Brown talks about this in her book “Atlas of the Heart.” Reread that book. I will be doing the same.
If something seems unfamiliar… odd… or complicated… I hope we don’t assume something’s wrong. Engage your colleague, friend, or family member. Do not judge them based on one post that triggers something negative in you.
I want you to know that there are people who have personality disorders and mental heath conditions, but some of these people are the best people you will meet….some of these people have a level of soul and greatness in them that is unmatchable, some of these people are better than a lot of the evil that is out there, that gets more love and attention in this world…
I know, as I have started to say more often recently, this year in particular, that I deserve better. I always did.
If you miss this message, I will be sure to put it up on the Warrior KQueen Blog. Maybe a revised version of it, just sharing the general thoughts on why I left Facebook.
And if you ever want to reach out, to engage with anything I wrote here, to embrace a conversation, I’ll be available elsewhere. I will be open to that conversation. Because every post welcomed it.
I’ve shared all my links in the pinned post above on ways you can connect with me.
But I know overall, if I don’t make the effort myself to connect with people. Many of you won’t bother. That’s how little I mattered here.
I realize while I was writing this, aiming for revolutionary love, aiming for peace, that even if this is an expression of pain, for healing and catharsis, this needed to be written for me. I have expressed so much love and appreciation over the years, and now, much of it will be erased. People only remember what they want to remember about you, and if it is negative, it will never change.
Still, I thank those who have seen my true worth and who will keep their heart open to me. Who saw me through my pain…through that unapologetic dark side.. fighting for the light. And especially those who believed me when I shared my vulnerable moments of suicidality and MeToo.
I can still appreciate and love people, and say that I wish some of you had my back. No matter how people choose to interpret it.
As I have stated elsewhere, I have nothing but love in my heart, mercy, and forgiveness. But it is okay i my love is too much for you to even accept. I appreciate those who will, and I will continue to share it with the world. Because I don’t want to suppress it anymore out of fear, pain and trauma. But you have to make space for all the new love.
I often end my posts with:
Stay Resilient. Stay Empowered. Stay Connected.
That’s what I’ve tried to do, especially since the pandemic.
And Inshallah… I will continue.
This year, for my birthday…
I am gifting myself freedom from my Achilles heel.
I thank everyone who gave my voice a chance. Who accepted me for who I am. Who cherished my strengths over my flaws. Who didn’t let my flaws erase my positive qualities. Who believed in me. Who followed my story and journey. Who saw who I really was and not what the naysayers and doubters saw in me…. I thank everyone who showed patience, love, care, and consideration, at important times, even if you are no longer with me now…and will no longer be with me in other spaces…
Alhumdullilah, I am so blessed and grateful that I have grown so much here. I have learned a lot from so many of you, and I am not leaving here without beautiful, positive memories of the only engagement I had with you here.
Thank you again for reading this long, traditional Dr. Elsa post.. some of it is stream of consciousness and you only have a few hours to read it. It’s the last “7000 word” Elsa post you will find on Facebook, inshallah.
See, I even have a sense of humor about it. You should too..
This could use an edit, but I am going to leave it all raw, vulnerable, and unfiltered, for old times’ sake. For old times’ sake, this was again, largely for catharsis. A final one here.
And Finally, I will ask you for your forgiveness.
And I forgive you, even if the mercy cannot be extended to me. And I pray Allah will forgive me for all my shortcomings, and continue to make me a better person inshallah as I focus on building and strengthening my relationship with Him, going forward.
Thank you for reading. And I wish nothing but success, happiness, joy, and warmth, and peace for you for your life, and may ll your dreams be fulfilled. May Allah protect you and give you love and peace, may He protect all of us.
If at any point, you would see value in reconnecting, rebuilding, starting over fresh, something real in another space, please do not hesitate to reach out.
Allah is Sufficient. Husbunallahu wa ni’mal wakeel.
Allahu Akbar.
Azaadi Mubarak, Warrior KQueen.
With Solidarity, Peace, Warm Salaams, and Blessings,
Signing off for the final time…
Your Sister,
Dr. Elsa
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for a Sword.”
– Atticus
Allahumma Yassir li amri, waftah li baban mid fadlik, Innaka a la kulli shay in ‘qadeer.
Oh Allah, ease my affairs and open a door for me from your bounty. Indeed, you are capable of all things.
A final share of important quotes I shared over the years:
“Courage starts by showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” – Dr. Brene Brown
“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” – Brene Brown
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” – Khalil Gibran
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place, you belong every place, no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” – Dr. Maya Angelou
“All your scholarship would be in vain if at the same time you do not build your character and attain mastery over your thoughts and your actions.” – Gandhi
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Thank you for reading this. As I shared earlier, I will follow up with how things are going, and write more here, especially with this vacuum in my life.
It is interesting to me because you know that people only want to stay connected to these platforms with you on the condition that they don’t have to engage you, and they get to watch you and decide how they feel about you without a conversation of any sort. Just reading your open, honest, bold posts. It’s astonishing.
I hope that if anyone thought that I was trying to just get attention, you now know that I was sincere the whole time… that I genuinely cared about our connection and that I had an incredible story and journey to share in that space… But that’s just it. People knew it, saw my potential, saw that I was somebody special, and just couldn’t let go of their fixed perception about me.
They may even think I just stopped trying on social media because I didn’t succeed, because their definition of success is connected to visibility metrics.
I succeeded if I moved just one person, and I know I did. I just had way too many haters, partly because I named the harm that they did to me publicly, and they still watched. They just didn’t engage, some knowing that it would get on my nerves. I could have continued to take the hits over and over again, but I decided to walk away from a toxic space in the same way I did two years ago.
I was hoping for community and love after sharing that, instead, I got further hate. All of this I did not deserve. I did nothing to deserve this. My case is a textbook case of an intersectional brown woman who was so utterly mistreated for coloring outside the lines. I thought I had allies, but they turned out to be neoliberal cowards and conformists, many of them. No one dares to stand up for the oppressed these days, unless it is popular.
I have some birthday reflections to post here before the end of this month.
I am not sure if anyone sees these posts, and perhaps I may have to migrate this blog somewhere at some point in the coming years. But for now, during this transitional point in my life, I will keep it and just express myself raw and unfiltered at times.
This was the whole point of this space really. For self-help. For self-empowerment. Nobody would see my articles unless I shared it in social media spaces, and then most among them wouldn’t dare to even click the link. It should be polished elsewhere. It doesn’t have to be polished here. That’s how I looked at Facebook as well.
All a stream of consciousness. But still with an important enough message to let the public witness it. Witness your evolution, your transformation. It should have been seen as a privilege. But you may be giving too much. Even just a little expectation of some love in the form of engagement may have been too much. You aren’t supposed to receive love, Dr. Elsa. You are supposed to give….that is supposed to be your role in life…
And yes, Allah has to be sufficient. And you are moving towards that direction. Inshallah.
Thanks again to anyone who’s there… for being here.
Ultimately, I was meant for better things.
And being in that space only caused more harm.
Now I sought freedom. I am still seeking freedom. I have to keep fighting.
Fighting to be able to sustain this grip on my Sword. My pen. Because I cannot and will not stop writing. The evil eye did not silence me. I broke away to find another way.
Solidarity, Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your Sister,
Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t Looking for a Knight. She was Looking for a Sword.” – Atticus
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