Featured Photo: March 17, 2019, Karachi, Jinnah International Airport. A Farewell Salute to Pakistan.
“There is no greater agony, than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Dr. Maya Angelou
“Nostalgia.”
I recently came across an interesting passage in Dr. Brene Brown’s new book “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience”, where she discusses many diverse, complicated, and fascinating emotions we experience as humans. Coincidentally, I came across the passage on “Nostalgia” right after writing the first draft of this post. So I decided to entitle this piece, “Fieldwork Nostalgia.”
In that section of the book, Dr. Brown helps me understand “Nostalgia,” its origins and all it entails, defining it as both a good/positive and bad/dangerous emotion.
I never really took the time to truly understand the psychology behind “nostalgia” and it really helped put pieces of the puzzle together for me at a crucial moment.
Dr. Brown referred to Adrian Matei’s essay on the history of the word “Nostalgia,” which I located here: https://adriennematei.com/The-Etymology-of-Nostalgia
In that essay, Matei writes:
“In the late 1600s, Swiss medical student Johannes Hofer noticed a pattern in his patients who were living far from home. Those who were obsessed with returning to their estranged locations became physically, sometimes fatally, sick. To reflect this phenomena, he coined the medical term “nostalgia” in 1688, which he created by combining the Greek words nostos (homecoming) and alga (pain).”
Wow. Very powerful and enlightening.
Dr. Brown emphasizes “Nostalgia’s” connection to pain and other different kinds of negative emotions, but also the side where there is positive reflection which leads to an acceptance or realization of past situations. But the concept “combines elements of happiness and sadness with a sense of yearning and loss” and is “more likely triggered by negative emotions.” She called it “bitter-sweet romanticizing,” and a “double-edged sword,” and suggests that the symptoms of the “disease” depend on “healthy versus unhealthy coping styles.”
I also appreciate the distinction she emphasizes on “reflection” versus “rumination” which extends the dichotomy. “Rumination,” is something we all experience, but certainly experienced in a more harmful way by people with clinically diagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and similar cognitive personality disorders. It is highly negative because of the intrusive nature of it on our daily activities. Rumination can be a very destructive and debilitating force. More on this perhaps in another post…
Dr. Brene Brown, like in most of her work, really “connected-the-dots” for me. I can totally understand how “nostalgia” can limit progress and advancement in our lives.
Because, for the past two years, I have actually been obsessing over memories, and trying to hold onto many of the precious ones that brought me glimpses of happiness, glimpses of the kind of life I want to have, and glimpses of the person, professional and scholar I want to be. I have noted in previous posts, that I have been navigating a difficult transition in my life, in a powerfully visceral way, and collectively we all have been “yearning for the good ole days” with this Pandemic.
I certainly have Fieldwork on my mind and heart, front and center, always, and since I returned from Pakistan. The fieldwork was the crux of my dissertation, the foundation of what made it a challenging and rewarding experience, the foundation of what made my work “a tremendous accomplishment,” a “remarkable achievement,” ” a great effort” according to some of the scholars that reviewed my dissertation. The Fieldwork was my most favorite stage of the research process which I had been anticipating since the end of Masters fieldwork…
The other day I came across this “artifact” (featured in the photo below) that brought forward those conflicting sentiments… I found the voice recorder I used regularly during my fieldwork in Pakistan. I did not see this device for a long time. Nostalgia through artifacts that you place such sentimental value with, can bring us both joy and pain.
Indeed, I had missed this. I remember I would listen to every interview multiple times for the transcription and coding aside from the initial encounter or meeting with my informant.
I established a strong connection with the voices… and I still hear some of them in my head from time to time…..
This recording device, among other “artifacts,” went from Washington, DC to Karachi to Islamabad to Lahore to Faisalabad to Peshawar to Khyber Pass to Rawalpindi to Jamshoro to Hyderabad to Tharparkar to Islamkot to Mithi to Nagarparkar to Sukkur to Khairpur to Qambar Shadatkot to Larkana… to Orangi…
Not entirely in that order, but I am proud I remember all that…
I also have the magnificent pen that I used in every interview and the elegant Shall that my sister bought for me that would show up on my pictures in many of my travels, particularly in Peshawar and Islamabad. I could dedicate an entire blog post for both the pen and the shall to highlight my relationship with them. 🙂 These are very precious prized possessions that I hold close to me even to this day. Because they keep me connected to that experience. An experience which I have not been able to talk about substantively, or even write about more substantively in a professional and personal sense beyond my social media feeds. Many stories, both from my own travels and perspective, and from many of my nearly 200 informants remain inside me, yearning to come out, yearning to break through the barriers and walls and boundaries I have created or that have been in place because of my shortcomings…
So the feelings of joy obviously connected to remembering the beautiful moments in the fieldwork. The feelings of an unbearable pain are directly connected to the “untold stories” inside me. It is why I had to open this post with those powerful words from Dr. Maya Angelou.
I do not think it is too late to share these stories, but I do know I may have possibly missed some opportunities that were initially sort of offered to me to share my stories at a more relevant time period. But there were too many personal and professional obstacles I faced post Fieldwork and then a Pandemic hit, and all I could think about was surviving the PhD, finishing the dissertation and only recently started the next chapter of my life that is perhaps creating a little more distance from where my heart belongs… That process of pushing what has been front and center in my heart and mind, to the back burner, is truly a very painful process. This particular jihad inside me is one that I bear every moment I wake up, every other minute in the day, and every time I fall asleep.
The “Fieldwork Nostalgia” is that powerful. And when combined with a perfectionism and imposter syndrome, and depression and anxiety, if not properly tended to, it can and will lead to a serious paralysis. This Nostalgia will never go away. And it will continue to eat away at me, every day I do not fulfill the promises I made to myself.
But we have to also sometimes trust the “detours” and the paths and opportunities we are provided with, if it involves our continued survival…
Nevertheless, there were indeed many things to move on from in the PhD experience, but the Fieldwork is not one of them… the Fieldwork falls in the positive category and there is so much I still have to say about it… even if no one is listening… I simply won’t move on from it even if the world is different now in post-Pandemic era as I completed my fieldwork precisely a year before the Pandemic became a major problem in the US…
The Fieldwork I had experienced in both my Masters and PHD can never be one of those things that I have to let go… I will never close that chapter. It’s going to be in all my writing… as it has been in what I have presented in the most limited sense so far… both creative and academic…
Indeed it was an incredibly romantic time during my doctoral studies…I did romanticize the experience and put a lot of pressure on myself upon returning, the burden of the stories on my shoulders… And I write this now for the purpose of clearing the negative barriers from the “Nostalgia” so I can continue to share those stories…
When I completed my Masters in 2009, I was preoccupied with figuring out what was next in life.
During my Masters, I completed three months of fieldwork on the topic of violence against women, while working with two NGOs (The Human Rights Commission of Pakistan (HRCP) and the All Pakistan Women’s Association (APWA)) in 2008, the Sindh Chapters in Karachi, Pakistan. I had no idea at that time that I wouldn’t be able to return to Pakistan for another 10 years.
It has been less than a year since I graduated with my doctorate, which brought me back to study this fascinating country. And Last month, I was reminiscing precisely three years ago, an evening, when I was standing outside the Jinnah international Airport, in Karachi, giving my emotional farewell and Khudahafiz salute, after having the most thrilling, incredible, breathtaking and memorable experiences of my life in my parent’s homeland… traveling to places I would never have known existed, had it not been for this doctoral pursuit. That photo is the featured photo above.
It was March 17, 2019 when I was standing at that gate, and here is the Facebook story where I shared that very moment I describe at the Karachi airport: https://www.facebook.com/elsa.khwaja/posts/10155770737931572
When I came across this memory in my Facebook memories, “nostalgia” hit me like a bitch. I took a second that night to close my eyes and try to be back there again… I remember staring out those doors, trying to take it all in, hold onto every single memory and not let myself forget anything, take in as much of the air and the breezes coming through those doors, because in my heart I just didn’t know when I would be back again… didn’t know if the doors will open for me again…
I had planned to return a year later… hoping I’d be able to finish my doctorate… perhaps to celebrate…. to ride the camels, rikshaws and gudda garris… (but as I noted, exactly one year later, there would be a global Pandemic)
I shared this piece here when I completed my fieldwork: http://www.warrioretkqueen.com/im-back-and-with-another-milestone-completed/
And this a few weeks later on my professional blog: http://www.elsatkhwaja.com/2019/04/01/post-pakistan-fieldwork-reflection-and-moving-forward/
…with promises to share and write more once I settled in… sigh…
But I am so glad I have these writings and many more from blogging on my website and on Facebook during the travels, alongside all my transcribed field notes and field interviews, let alone many pieces of writing that didn’t make it to the dissertation….
I knew I didn’t belong there… in Pakistan… or anywhere really … but I had just experienced some of the most joyous moments of my life, holding tight to those beautiful memories the best I could. At that time, I feared exactly of what may be happening now, that those memories would be slipping and fading away…
The “Universe” did take me away from this country for 10 years and I fought my way back nonetheless. I know I will find my way there again…even if it would take another 10 years…
It has been a little over three years now, and part of the burning pain in the soul that I’ve been feeling, now especially, is the recognition of what I feared would happen….holding on to the last decade or so of my life by a thread….It took many years last time to return to the country, but I was able to make it back, for my doctoral studies.
Inshallah (godwilling), there will be a next time…. another time when I am able to lick the sand and dust off my lips and smell the Khushboo of the budboo again…
Another time when I can continue to study and navigate the first land that made me hungry to “understand” as the ‘im-perfect stranger’…
Still so much more to explore… the story will continue… And next time, I won’t let anyone stop me from crossing that “border”… 🙂
I know I will always bear the burden and agony of the “untold” stories from one of the most memorable and meaningful moments of my life.… And only I am accountable for that.
But I recognize the importance of being patient with healing and recovery, and with a clear mind and proper mental space, the stories will come out the right way and I’ll continue finding ways to share bits and pieces of those memories here in this space or however way I can…..
So what action can I take to address these complex emotions at a personal and professional level for one of the greatest experiences of my life, and under my current limitations?
No one can prevent you from using your original data, said one of my professors.
Tell the stories. Tell your story.
I’ve been working on submitting a larger detailed book proposal soon, it has been in the works now for a few months (off and on due to the job search), which will be centered on the fieldwork… and I intend to reference both my Masters and my doctoral-level fieldwork from the first person point of view while sharing the findings from my research questions…
I plan to share lessons and observations that may benefit others, and the crux of my book proposal is the fieldwork, elaborating on some cases and contexts in the dissertation…
I am starting another domain for an Academic blog centered on qualitative research methods, with a special focus on fieldwork.
I do have several articles pending, which may take time to come out, but I am determined to get them out there.
I have one particular article I had been working on since my first week arriving in Islamabad, the second more in-depth field assessment in October, 2018. I am hoping to publish that piece on Medium in a few weeks. It was supposed to be a “Power move” on my push to publish smaller pieces of my research and observations, which I wanted to complete, actually, since I arrived back on March 17, 2019, and had hoped to be able to share it the past few years, at the start of this year, and the end of last year, before I defended, in the 3-year anniversary… etc etc etc… many other times… It just kept being pushed… and still is… I got stuck in so many situations by writer’s block, by perfectionism, by imposter syndrome, by life circumstances, many external and internal forces… I understand if people see these as excuses, but we need to be compassionate for ourselves in order to bring out the necessary willpower to push through it all…
As I mentioned in a previous post, even if we move forward, and start a new chapter, it is impossible to forget the previous chapter when it had this much meaning for you. And we really don’t have to. As long as we tend to the memories and the nostalgia in a healthy way.
I have followed the motto for 2020 to 2022 of “better late than never.” 🙂 And it may be perceived as late only because of broken promises I made to myself, more than to others… but it is coming nonetheless and it won’t exude the perfection I desire, but it will be authentic and valuable…. most importantly, it will be “cathartic” ultimately tackling those difficult, painful, conflicting and complex symptoms emerging from the “Nostalgia.”
Thanks very much for reading this post…
And I hope to continue writing more about my fieldwork here, which may include some of the stories outside my research questions, and more in connection to the experience itself, the people, the surroundings, the environment, the emotions…etc. And I hope to also locate the mediums to share the academic and professional side of conducting fieldwork and my specific experiences with it soon. I don’t foresee being able to taste the sand and dust on my lips for a long time, so before I can create new memories, I want to at least be able to share some of the suppressed and “untold stories.”
“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all.”
– Dr. Maya Angelou
Peace, Warmth, and Blessings,
Your sister, Dr. Elsa Talat Khwaja
Warrior KQueen
“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for the Sword.” – Atticus
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