In a previous post, I wrote a little about the significance of running in the rain…. I have been losing myself quite a lot the past few weeks and months, and I am trying to stay together and sane with all my responsibilities and goals right now. In the process of trying to complete my dissertation proposal to reach PhD candidacy the next few months, I believe I have been spending more time trying to convince myself that I can do it and work through the anxiety and stress, rather than making the necessary progress on it… The task has been daunting and extremely challenging, but controlling my anxieties has been a greater challenge..
So there was a thunderstorm today and I went out for my daily run during the storm. At the peak of the storm, the “eye of the tiger” song came on, from what I call my “survival” playlist…. At that moment, I was blazing through the rain and storm like a rockstar warrior….
It was exhilarating….
And as I unzipped my sweatshirt so that the world could see the “Defy Expectations” t-shirt my mother bought for me … the rain poured harder and harder, but I kept running.
The lightning and the thunder should have frightened me, but I kept running.
And even when the cars would not stop for me in the crosswalk, I wouldn’t let their lack of kindness get me down….
The puddles soaked my feet to slow me down, my sweatshirt got heavier and heavier, and at a moment I could only see slightly with one eye while my head remained up and steady during the heavy rain, and I kept on running…
Hell, I was flying…And no one at that moment could tell me that I wasn’t Elsa the Warrior Queen, not even the daily voices inside my head that try to destroy me…
When I returned, I looked at myself in the mirror and I liked what I saw… not because of how I looked, but something inside me was glowing… I saw a fierceness I tend to suppress too often….
There are many people in my life that have not expected much from me… that perhaps have enjoyed the moments of vulnerability I often have shared in the past openly, that have perhaps taken amusement at how difficult things have been, and that have literally told me at times that I do not have it in me…..
First and foremost to myself I say, I’m going to kick ass on my proposal defense…
And for all those people and forces in my life who said I couldn’t do it, who made me believe I couldn’t, who helped contribute to creating those cruel voices in my head…. I am going to blow your mind…
Most importantly, I owe it to myself to obliterate the hell out of this monstrous feat…And no matter what forces come in the way…to just keep running towards that finish line…
We must be driven by our dreams and aspirations, not by our fears and anxieties. – ETK
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