Another Year to Advance the Mission…

{Featured photos from Georgetown Waterfront, July 9, 2023}

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

Dear Fellow Warriors,

I have some updates to share about my personal life.

But first I want to take a second right now to acknowledge you. I appreciate you for taking a moment out of your day to read me from time to time.

I know I have not done my best to serve you, and I am sorry for that. Part of the reason may be because I am still trying to empower myself, to put the oxygen mask on myself. I think we can do this, share our stories, and still serve others in the process. I think this is important, and what this blog has meant for me, which is why I must sustain it despite the limited readership.

But I do acknowledge that right now, more than ever, as we all aspire to be heard, to be seen and valued for our contributions, we need to play a more active effort in contributing to making others feel valued as well. We need to be active participants in their lives. And I promise I will continue to work on this.

I thank you for reading my story in the meantime, and I hope there are elements of it that serve you and inspire and move you, especially in sharing yours.

Last Sunday was my 39th birthday. So, per tradition, as done in previous years, I will write my annual birthday reflection post here on my Warrior Queen blog. I take the full month to celebrate the new year for me, and honor some mid-year reflections, which is why I am slightly late sometimes. But this year, I shared some critical reflections on my new platform on Medium.

So here on Medium, the day after my birthday, I wrote a piece re-introducing myself and what I aspire for my new year and new chapter of my life. Please Follow this Friend Link! for free access to the article. Thank you for reading!

Recently, I had to make a critical decision for my life.

I shared some positive moments throughout the past week from my special day, turning 39. I wanted to step into this year only with positivity, love, peace, letting go of all the traumas. But I quickly was reminded, it cannot be an overnight thing.

It still made me sad that less people remembered me in my life on my birthday. It still made me sad thinking that I am in my last year of my 30s and I am still not a published book writer or a mother, or have a significant other, even as I take responsibility and accountability for all my choices.

So while I was honest about the joy I felt, I need to be honest about that side of me as well.

I need to be able to tell you, how sad I have felt this week, while also feeling some moments of joy and freedom. I do not lie when I say that I am feeling joy, in the bits and bouts here and there in my life. …and when I say that I want to try to be positive and take in the positive vibes and energy and let go of the negativity and traumas that held me hostage (the past few years of my life) in my life.

But it is important to process the wholeness of your being, all of the emotions, to truly recognize and be aware of its presence. You can let go, and move forward, at the same time, while accepting every sentiment you are feeling.

I celebrated my birthday at the Georgetown Waterfront again this year. You may recall, last year, I spent my birthday there, and offered these reflections. I called myself the Qurbani Ka Bakara last year, as it was Eid as well. You can read that post to learn why….

… It is crazy, because I shared the same thing again in my social media platforms, and I didn’t realize it. I am worried about some memory issues. I am glad I am documenting everything. The past few years especially, I have connected my Suicidality and my fight for suicide prevention to my Birthday. So I started the AFSP Fundraiser again this year, and linked it to my profile on Facebook. More on this below.

This is repetitive, but because it is an important story, and why I consider Georgetown Waterfront a special place, for me, I will share it again in this space.

The year I turned 30, precisely 9 years ago, I went to the Georgetown Waterfront for my birthday.

I recall feeling such utter despair.

I was in the earlier stages of my PhD program and had to take on a dreadful temp job over the summer somewhere, & felt so alone and miserable. It was the year after I chose to go full time in my PhD, leaving my stable job at an International development consulting firm, as I had to choose one or the other. (It feels a little deja vu now with the recent choice I had to make.)

That day, I went over to the ledge of the dock and looked into the water. It would be among the many times I would seriously contemplate giving up/letting go and jumping in… and at that location.

As I was standing on the dock after my friends left, this past Sunday, for my birthday celebration, I thought about that moment 9 years ago. How I dropped to the floor of the dock with a major panic attack and in tears, people saw but did nothing…just passed by…. no one noticed, no one helped. As if they didn’t believe my pain… or I was just that ‘invisible brown woman’

This was and would often be the story of my life... I had to lift myself up. I had to save myself. As most of us who struggle with Suicidality, amid the multiple layers of stigma, have to do, at most if not all of our moments of crisis.

In my mid-20s, I predicted I would not make it to 40. I’ve made it all the way to 39 so far. And I have come so far, with all endured… There is still a part of me that feels I won’t make it … it is why I try to empower myself… and why I’m proactively trying to remove all negativity from my life at this point.

I’ve never understood the art of “letting go” at this level ever before…there is something liberating of just not giving a fuck about those who choose to judge, misunderstand you, and stay with a fixed mindset about you, while you keep growing, evolving, and fighting to survive and thrive.

It is especially difficult for those who suffer with OCD, namely the habitual ruminations and intrusive thoughts. But certain life circumstances make us surrender to “connecting-the-dots,” and ultimately understanding what battles are worth fighting and what we have to let go for the sake of our internal peace and tranquility. There is great freedom in this sweet surrender.

This is why I always choose not to dim my light when I experience joy or success.

I will always celebrate and honor it as I have, openly and bravely… And honor the struggle, as much as the success, prosperity, peace, and joy. There were fewer people that remembered me this year on the birthday or that sent me a personalized message and that’s okay.

It’s natural perhaps, and with these “stubborn algorithms” these days, and serious Post-Pandemic communication/relationship challenges, and especially for those of us who are in the lower end of the “high school popularity contests”, lol. And I have accepted that I can perhaps be easily forgettable no matter what I share with the world and maybe I try too hard not to be forgotten sometimes, LOL, and that may be a turn-off. Just trying to reason with my perceived level of influence, or eigenvector centrality…

But the people who took the chance on me, to care, to know me and who know my story, my struggle, my fight to stay alive will appreciate this… they won’t forget you, and a small handful needs to be sufficient. That’s what I have come to appreciate more, and in a way I may have not before…

You never know what someone is going through. Such a commonplace saying these days.

But do we really understand it and implement it in our engagements and relationships online and offline?

Be happy for people, especially those who have struggled and experienced significant tribulations. I’ve shared many of mine here in this space, and in my social media platforms, boldly, risking social and professional retributions, as I have noted before, and with no regrets, however some resulting sadness, recognizing the persistence of cultural stigmas.

These days, our relationships, communications, have been challenged in a way never before, and it is important we develop a stronger (self)-awareness of this. Among the issues, I would just kindly encourage people to tame the buree nazar, evil eyes, the emotions of jealousy, envy, hate, resentment, indignation, even pity, and more. It will only burn you more and it will ultimately hurt your relationship with that individual, both online and in person.

Remind yourself that there is a massive abundance of success and prosperity out there, that we all can tap into … Just a reminder to consider. Ultimately it is our choice.

I am glad I am heading in the direction of not caring about how much my authentic personality is misunderstood…. Still a work in progress, but I feel something changing within.

I won’t allow the subconscious human desire to be understood to decide my fate or lead to my demise. That is all part of my efforts in living, breathing, and walking my truth authentically, and ultimately changing my stars… and there is something so incredibly liberating about this.

There are many near-death experiences I’ve had involving bridges and water, unfortunately, most of which I have not documented, but what I have shared in numerous posts here in this blog…

Being in these spaces, like here at the Waterfront does trigger the pain, the fear, but also the power of healing, all at once, knowing what I overcame…the survival…yet again… resisting the overwhelming sensation and ideations, voices telling me to let go, surrender, and take a leap into the dark watersand resilience to keep the fight going.

I was happy I made it out there again. It was the first year I was there on my birthday that I did not in fact feel a strong suicidal Ideation, though there was some sadness trying to creep in.

It is important to process those emotions as well. But I didn’t allow it to overtake me… and even with the circumstances I’ve recently endured during another difficult transition in my life…

Possibly because of human connection… or possibly because of my determination to prove wrong that mid-twenty something ETK who predicted a shorter life expectancy for herself… that I may in fact have more life to live…

And maybe the best years are ahead of me…

Momento Mori. Remember you will die.

“Sometimes even to live, is an act of courage.” – Seneca

“To be great is to be misunderstood.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you for taking the time to read this and follow my journey of survival.

Peace, Warmth, Blessings, and Power,

your sister … Dr. Elsa, Warrior KQueen

“She wasn’t looking for a Knight. She was looking for the Sword.” – Atticus

Please support suicide prevention and all that may entail.

Here is my fundraiser this year for AFSP:

I have linked this now on Facebook too!:

Thank you so much for reading and giving my voice a chance. If you feel inspired by my art and my writings, you are welcome to support me here: .

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